Reading OoTP
by SportsNightLover
Summary: James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily read OoTP. Sequel to What Do You Think? and I Think. A small dose of LilyJames, but not too much.
1. Seeing Peter

Title: Reading OoTP

Sequel to "What Do You Think" and "I Think"

**Thank you to all the reviewers of my stories. Whether it was for only one or both…thanks.**

**LupinLycanLover: you asked why Remus is helping Molly. I was going for that they are close (because of reading the books and righting the future) and Remus was already visiting so he offered to help. But either way (running into her in Diagon Alley or at her home) the same point is made. They are all friends and do things for each other. The details don't really matter.**

**All right, here we go. Order of the Phoenix seen through the eyes of James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily. This will be interesting… and long. Very long. Big book. That's all I had to say.**

**Oh and yeah, the title is a change of pace. But I'm gonna go with it. We'll see what happens.**

**On with the story.**

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James awoke the next morning and stretched his arms out wide, yawning loudly. Lily, lying on top of him, shifted positions in her sleep and snuggled closer to him. James noticed the smile on her lips and couldn't help but smile, too.

"Are you ready yet? Are you ready yet?" Sirius repeated, jumping down the stairs two at a time. "Come on, let's go."

"Not yet, Padfoot. We need to eat breakfast _some_time," James replied quietly, not wanting to wake Lily up from her pleasant dreams.

"Okay, then let's eat. Come on," he started walking towards the portrait.

"Wake up, Moony."

"Fine," he said angrily, turning around. "But after that I'm going to eat breakfast and then read the book, with or without you."

"Yeah, sure."

"Is it morning already?" Lily asked, blinking away the sleep.

"Yes, Lily, that normally happens when the night ends. Morning comes."

"Never knew that."

"It's a little known fact."

"Good, you're up, we can go to breakfast," Sirius said, coming down the stairs again. Remus was slowly walking behind him, still trying to wake himself up.

"I need to get dressed, Sirius," Lily answered.

"Clothes are overrated. Go in that."

"No," she responded, getting up and going to her dormitory. Sirius groaned.

"What's the matter with him?" Remus asked James.

"Many, many things."

"I want to read the book, but James says we need to eat breakfast first," Sirius explained.

"He's right, we need the food if we're going to be locked in a room for most of the day," Remus told him.

"Thank you, Remus," James said.

"Alright, I'm ready. Let's go," Lily said, coming down the stairs. Sirius was out of the portrait before she made it another two steps.

The rest of them walked to breakfast, where they met Sirius already halfway through his second course.

"Slow down, Padfoot. Just because you're done doesn't mean we will be. You'll still have to wait for us. You have time," James said, disgusted at the sight.

He slowed down considerably. As they ate, they talked softly about the books, not wanting any prying ears to hear anything important. After a few minutes, Peter came into the Great Hall and sat down next to James, who had only just started eating.

"Hey, Prongs," Peter said.

"I'm full. Let's go," James said standing up. He was purposely not looking at Peter.

"But-" Remus began.

"Let's go," he said forcibly. They all left.

"What was that?" Remus asked as they left the Great Hall.

"I don't think I can stand to be near that traitor right now."

"But we've known for two days already, you haven't down anything since then."

"That's different. We were in the Room of Requirement the whole time and I didn't sleep in the dormitory. This is the first time that I've seen him," James said, eyes narrowed. "I didn't want to stay and find out what would happen." Remus noticed his hands were in fists.

"How about we just go back to the Room of Requirement?" he suggested.

"Now you're talking," Sirius said.

When they arrived, the first thing James did was order breakfast, considering he had only a small part of his in the Great Hall. The Room immediately provided enough food for all four of them. They began eating again.

"See? This is better than the Great Hall, anyway. Not so much noise," James observed.

"True," Remus agreed.

Once they were fed, they cleared the table and Remus picked up the book.

"Shall I begin?"

"Yes!" Sirius answered.

"Actually, can I read," James asked.

"You can read?" Lily asked in mock surprise.

"Contrary to popular belief, I can."

"You may read, Prongs. I was actually getting tired of reading anyway," Remus said.

James took the book and began, "Chapter One, _Dudley Demented_."

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A/N: It's short, but it's also the introduction to the book, so I'm not going to start the book until next chapter.

So, I had less reviews last story than the first. It was only two chapters less. I say we fix that this time. So REVIEW… a lot.


	2. Listening to the News

Title: Reading OoTP

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. Get it? Got it? Great… Oh and by the way, the italics are straight from the book.

_Harry Potter's appearance did not endear him to the neighbors, who were the sort of people who thought scruffiness ought to be punishable by law,_

"Fine, Harry doesn't want to be near them either," James said angrily.

_But as he had hidden himself behind a large hydrangea bush_

"Why would he do that?" Lily asked.

"Oh, it's loads of fun," Sirius answered.

_This evening he was quite invisible to passersby._

"Harry, you don't have to hide from these people just because they disapprove of you. It doesn't matter what they think," Lily said.

"What makes you so sure he's hiding from them?" James asked.

"What else would he be doing?"

"Hiding from the Dursleys."

"Oh, that would make sense. Anyone would want to hide from them."

"Watching the news_…" he said scathingly. "I'd like to know what he's really up to."_

"So do I," James agreed. "Why does he care about muggle news?"

"_Dudley hasn't got a clue what's going on,"_

"About anything," Sirius finished for him.

"_doubt he knows who the Prime Minister is!"_

"Is he insulting his own child?" Remus asked.

"Can't be. He'd never insult Dudley. He probably means it as a compliment," James answered.

"_Anyway, it's not as if there'd be anything about _his lot_ on _our_ news –"_

"That's not very nice," Lily said offended.

"You expected anything else?" James said. "Also, it is true. It's not like the news is just going to talk about Voldemort when they don't know who he is."

"They might say something that he did, though," Remus reasoned. "Voldemort loves attacking muggles, so they might report something he did and just blame someone else."

"Why can't Harry just read the _Daily Prophet_ and make life easier?" James said.

_Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley had not been to tea anywhere; he and his gang spent every evening vandalizing the play park, smoking on street corners, and throwing stones at passing cars and children._

"That's terrible," Lily gasped. "How could they?"

"Well, first you pick a stone. Then there's the act of moving your arm towards the target with speed and force, although don't forget to release the stone while doing this. Then the rest is all a waiting game until it hits," Sirius explained.

_("I hope he's listening next door!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, "with his sprinklers on at three in the morning!")_

"How dare he?!" Sirius said in mock offense. "Who does he think he is with his sprinklers on that early?"

"Sirius, do you even know what a sprinkler is?" Remus asked.

"Not in the slightest. No."

_("as if we're interested in their sordid affairs," sniffed Aunt Petunia, who had followed the case obsessively in every magazine she could lay her bony hands on)._

"I'm not surprised," Sirius stated.

"Do you even know a magazine is?" Remus jokingly asked.

"Of course he does, Moony. You and I both know that he subscribes to _Witch Weekly_," James said.

"Ah, I almost forgot."

"You do?" Lily asked Sirius.

Sirius just glared at his supposed friends.

"_Bungy, who lives at the Five Feathers in Barnsley, has learned to water-ski! Mary Dorkins went to find out more…"_

"Why? Why would she waste her time to find out more?" Lily asked.

"You just don't understand, do you?" James said. "Nobody ever gets the beauty of water-skiing."

"_Put – it – away!" Uncle Vernon snarled into Harry's ear. "Now! Before – anyone – sees!"_

"Yes, Harry, that's a good idea. Put it away," Sirius advised. "Especially if there was a noise loud enough to draw the attention of the whole street."

_Perhaps he was so desperate for the tiniest magical sign of contact from the world to which he belonged that he was simply overreacting to perfectly ordinary noises._

"That's very possible, Harry," Remus said. "Actually, it's very likely, considering you're so desperate that you were hiding in a bush."

_If he was lucky, there would also be owls carrying letters from his best friends, Ron and Hermione,_

"Lucky? Why would it lucky to get a letter from them? Do they not like him anymore?" Lily asked.

_though any expectation he had had that their letters would bring him news had long since been dashed._

"What's going on?" James said. "Why aren't they telling him things? Aren't they his friends?"

"It is strange," Remus agreed.

"_We're quite busy but I can't give you details here…"_

"Why not?" James asked, frustrated. "And where is _here_?"

"_There's a fair amount going on, we'll tell you everything when we see you…"_

"No, tell him now," Sirius demanded.

"And why are they doing '_a fair amount_' of things, while Harry is stuck in a bush all summer with the Dursleys?" James asked. He was quickly growing a dislike of this behavior.

_In fact, he was so angry at them that he had thrown both their birthday presents of Honeydukes chocolates away unopened._

"I get the principle, but that's just wasteful," Sirius said. "And unnecessary."

_It was bed enough that he kept revisiting the graveyard in his nightmares._

"What? He's having nightmares about that?" Lily asked. "I wish we were there to help him."

"Me, too," James agreed.

_Sirius, at least, seemed to understand how Harry was feeling._

"That's because I'm amazing, Harry," Sirius said. "Nobody's letter can be as good as mine."

"And how big is your ego, Sirius?" Remus asked.

"I don't have one. I'm the humblest person alive."

"I thought so."

_Nevertheless, it was quite galling to be told not to be rash by a man who had served twelve years in the wizard prison, Azkaban, escaped, attempted to commit the murder he had been convicted for in the first place, then gone on the run with a stolen hippogriff…_

"He may have a point there," Sirius admitted.

"I think so," James said. "Or at least the makings of one."

_He had unsettling dreams about long dark corridors, all finishing in dead ends and locked doors,_

"Hmmm," Remus thought out loud. "Interesting."

_Which he supposed had something to do with the trapped feeling he had when he was awake._

"Possibly, but not definitely. Harry could be over-analyzing it."

"What do you think it means? He's actually seeing a real corridor?" James asked skeptically.

"Maybe, just maybe."

_----------_

A/N: I ended up going MUCH deeper into the details than I expected, so apparently the first chapter will be split in two. (It's late, I don't really feel like writing too much more, so I'll stop here.)

I was VERY impressed with the amount of reviews I got for the first chapter. Thanks. Keep it up. It might make be write better… or at least quicker.


	3. The Dementor Attack

Title: Reading OoTP

_As Uncle Vernon delightedly told anyone that would listen, Dudley had recently become the Junior Heavyweight Inter-School Boxing Champion of the Southeast._

"Yeah, probably by paying his opponents to take a dive," James said.

"That wouldn't surprise me," Sirius agreed.

_Look round, _Harry found himself thinking as he watched them._ Come on… look round… I'm sitting here all alone… Come and have a go…_

"Er, Harry, why are you thinking that?" James asked. "Weren't you just saying how Dudley used to use you for a punching bag?"

"Prongs, mate, I think your son is a little twisted," Sirius said.

"I'm starting to wonder myself."

_He wouldn't want to lose face in front of the gang, but he'd be terrified of provoking Harry…_

"Ah, now I see," James announced.

"Good, now I can stop worrying," Remus said sarcastically.

_There you go, Sirius, Harry thought dully. Nothing rash. Kept my nose clean._

"Thank you for listening, Harry," Sirius said appreciatively.

_Exactly the opposite of what you'd have done…_

"Alright that was uncalled for," Sirius said.

"But true," Remus added.

"Yeah… but still."

"_Nice right hook, Big D," said Piers._

"Big D," James repeated, starting to laugh. "They gave each other nicknames. That's so childish."

"Don't you have nicknames for all the marauders?" Lily asked. James immediately stopped laughing.

"That's different."

"How?"

"… It just is."

"_But you'll always be Ickle Diddykins to me."_

"Us, too," Sirius said.

"_What about 'popkin' and 'Dinky Diddydums',"_

"Just as good," said James.

"_Can I use them then?"_

"Of course you can, Harry," Sirius answered.

"Do you even have to ask?" James said.

"_Did he say you look like a pig that's been taught to walk on its hind legs? 'Cause that's not cheek, Dud, that's true…"_

"Wow, Harry's really attacking him," Remus observed.

"And it's unprovoked, too," Lily said.

"What's your point?" Sirius asked, seeing nothing wrong with the situation.

"_Whereas you just need four mates behind you before you can beat up a ten-year-old."_

"Harry is pretty good at this," James said, impressed. "He's really quick at thinking of these insults."

"_Not this brave at night, are you?" sneered Dudley._

"Wait, I'm confused. I thought it was night," Lily said.

"It is," James responded.

"But then why-"

"Because Dudley's an idiot."

"_This _is_ night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this."_

"Hey, that sounds like something I would say," Sirius interrupted.

"It does," James agreed.

"_I mean when you're in bed!" Dudley snarled._

"What does he mean?" Lily asked.

"Couldn't tell you," James said honestly.

"_What – am I supposed to be frightened of pillows or something?"_

"That would be silly," James laughed. "Right, Sirius?"

"Er – yeah, of course it would," Sirius said, forcing himself to laugh. "Who would be afraid of pillows?"

_Dudley gave a harsh bark of laughter_

"That's my trademark," Sirius said, offended. "And I'd thank you to not use it again."

_Then adopted a high-pitched, whimpering voice. "'Don't kill Cedric! Don't kill Cedric!'_

"Oh, that sounds terrible," Lily said, worried about how serious Harry's nightmares were.

"_Who's Cedric – your boyfriend?"_

"That's mean," Sirius said angrily. "We should go over there and show him how to treat people _correctly_."

"How, exactly, would we do that?" James asked.

"I'll get back to you on that."

"'_He's killed Cedric! Dad, help me! He's going to -' _Don't you point that thing at me!_"_

"Why do I have a feeling that wasn't part of Harry's nightmare?" James asked.

"Because it probably wasn't," Remus answered.

_Harry was pointing the wand directly at Dudley's heart._

"Harry, put that away right now!" Lily commanded. "You shouldn't be doing that!"

"Dudley deserves it. Keep going, Harry," Sirius encouraged.

"But what if he slips up and accidentally jinxes Dudley?"

"Oh well."

"But he could get kicked out of Hogwarts."

"I think the Ministry would understand why he would want to jinx Dudley. They'd probably want to as well."

_The balmy evening was suddenly piercingly, bitingly cold._

"Uh oh," James said.

"Not again," Remus sighed.

_He didn't have the power to turn off the stars._

"Then he has so much to learn," James said.

_He said the spell automatically, desperate for light to help him in his search – and to his disbelieving relief, light flared inches from his right hand – the wand tip had ignited._

"That's cool," Sirius said, awed. "He did wandless magic."

"That's nearly impossible," Remus stated. "Especially for someone of his age."

"I always said he was special," James said proudly.

_An enormous silver stag erupted from the tip of Harry's wand; its antlers caught the dementor in the place where the heart should have been; it was thrown backward, weightless as darkness, and as the stag charged, the dementor swooped away, batlike and defeated._

"YES!" James cheered.

"Well done, Harry. Well done," Remus said approvingly.

_Lowering its hooded head toward Dudley's face as though about to kiss him…_

"No! It can't," Lily said frightened. "He's helpless and isn't even attacking the Dementors."

"You think they care?" James said seriously.

_Mrs. Figg, their batty old neighbor, came panting into sight._

"Bad time, Figg. Really bad time," Sirius said.

"_Don't put it away, idiot boy!" she shrieked. "What if there are more of them around?"_

"Alright, two things," James began, putting up two fingers. "First of all, don't _ever_ call my son 'idiot boy' again. Second," his expression warmed a little as he put down the first finger, "why isn't she reacting to seeing a wand? Shouldn't she be scared, shocked, or at least confused?"

"You would think, wouldn't you?" Remus agreed.

"_Oh, I'm going to _kill_ Mundungus Fletcher!"_

"Okay… What does that have to do with anything that's happening right now?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing, but she must really be angry," James answered. "Oh and also, that's the end of the first chapter."

"Then start the next one already," Sirius said impatiently.

"Fine, calm down. Chapter two, _A Peck of Owls."_

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A/N: There's chapter one. Wow did that take a long time for only one chapter.

Click the purple button. Come on, you know you want to. Come on, do it. All the cool kids are doing it. JUST CLICK THE DAMN BUTTON ALREADY!... Sorry, lost my cool there for a second. What I meant to say was that you should press your finger into the mouse while the pointer is positioned over the "Submit" button. Thank you, that is all.


	4. OWLS!

Title: Reading OoTP

Disclaimer: Still isn't mine… Just in case you thought it had changed since last chapter.

"_I'm a Squib,"_

"Really?" Lily said interested. "Wow, that's good news. Now Harry has someone to watch over him and talk to in case he needs to know something about the Wizarding World."

"_As Mundungus knows full well, so how on earth was I supposed to help you fight off dementors? He left you completely without cover when I _warned _him -"_

"Who is this Mundungus bloke?" James asked.

"I don't know, but he sounds like he deserted Harry when he needed him the most," Remus answered.

"So are we supposed to assume that he is powerful enough to protect Harry?" Sirius said.

"I guess we are," James replied.

"Why is Harry being followed?" Lily said. "That doesn't sound like a good thing to me."

"Me neither," James agreed.

"_Get _up_, you useless lump, get_ up_!"_

"Hey, useless lump should have been his nickname," Sirius said.

"It would have been more fitting," James said. Imitating Dudley's friends, he added, "'Great right hook, useless lump.' Yeah, it works perfectly."

"_Never mind the Statute of Secrecy now, there's going to be hell to pay anyway, we might as well be hanged for a dragon as an egg."_

"What? I have no idea what that means," Sirius commented. He looked around at the others for an explanation, but they all shook their heads to say they were clueless as well.

"_- how could Mundungus have left, he was supposed to be on duty until midnight – _where is he?_"_

"She's really making Mundungus sound like some kind of super-wizard," James -said. "I can't wait until we meet the one-and-only Mundungus."

"_- MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"_

"Yes, we get to meet him," Sirius said excited.

_There was a loud _crack_ and a strong smell of mingled drink and stale tobacco filled the air as a squat, unshaven man in a tattered overcoat materialized right in front of them. He had short bandy legs, long straggly ginger hair, and bloodshot baggy eyes that gave him the doleful look of a basset hound; he was also clutching a silvery bundle that Harry recognized at once as an Invisibility Cloak._

"…Well that was disappointing," Sirius said bluntly.

"Way too over-hyped," James agreed.

"_So," Harry panted, "Dumbledore's… been having… me followed?"_

"_Of course he has," said Mrs. Figg impatiently. "Did you expect him to let you wander around on your own after what happened in June?"_

"No, but that still invading Harry's privacy," said Lily angrily.

"Who does he think he is, Harry's father?" James asked heatedly. "Well, sorry, Albus, but that's my job."

"Woah, guys, calm down. This is Dumbledore we're talking about here. Don't you trust him?" Sirius said, shocked at their reactions.

"Mostly, but he's made bad decisions before."

"Like what?"

"Like sending Harry to live with the Dursleys."

"_Hang on – you haven't been mugged, have you, son?"_

"More like the opposite," Sirius said darkly.

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

_We have received intelligence that you performed the Patronus Charm at twenty-three minutes past nine this evening in a Muggle-inhabited area and in the presence of a Muggle._

"Yeah, so?" Sirius asked.

"I don't like the sound of this," Lily said. "It's too official sounding. This could be bad."

"Let's hope not," James said.

_The severity of this breach of the Decree for the Reasonable Restiction of Underage Sorcery has resulted in your expulsion from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand._

James paused for a second to comprehend what he had read. When he fully understood, the explosion ensued.

"WHAT?! They can't do that," he shouted.

"EXPELLED?" Sirius bellowed.

"It does seem a bit harsh," Remus agreed.

"It was self-defense-"

"- totally unfair -"

"- DESTROY HIS WAND?! -"

"- That seems a bit harsh as well -"

"- Can't do this -"

"- Got to be illegal -"

"- Fight it, Harry. Fight this injustice -"

"- Or just kill them all -"

"- JAMES! -"

"- Sorry, Lily. Got a little carried away there."

_As you have already received an official warning for a previous offense under section 13 of the International Confederation of Wizards' Statute of Secrecy,_

"_Dobby_," James said dangerously, eyes narrowed.

_Hoping you are well,_

"Yeah, right," Sirius said disbelievingly.

_He was expelled from Hogwarts. It was all over. He was never going back._

"It's not over, Harry. Don't give up. They can't do this to you," James encouraged. "Go and fight it. Dumbledore will surely defend you."

"Now look who's calling for Dumbledore," Sirius said.

"I never said he didn't have Harry's best interests in mind, I just disagreed with his methods."

_Harry –_

_Dumbledore's just arrived at the Ministry, and he's trying to sort it all out._

"Knew he would," Sirius said.

_DO NOT LEAVE YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE'S HOUSE. DO NOT DO ANY MORE MAGIC. DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR WAND._

_Arthur Weasley_

"Great advice," James said. "Except for that it wasn't. Why shouldn't he leave the house? The ministry officials are coming for him. Doing more magic might be necessary, especially with his uncle, and of course he wouldn't surrender his wand."

"I agree, it is strange advice," Sirius said.

_Dementors caused a person to relive the worst moments of their life… What would spoiled, pampered, bullying Dudley have been forced to hear?_

"Probably a memory of someone fighting back," James suggested.

"Or of getting only one hundred presents for his birthday," Sirius added.

"_They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban," said Aunt Petunia._

"Wait a minute, did my sister just say that," Lily asked, shocked.

"I think so," James answered.

"Couldn't be. How would she know? She stays away from these things at all costs."

"_I heard – that awful boy – telling _her_ about them – years ago," she said jerkily._

"She better not be talking about me," James said angrily.

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

_Further to our letter of approximately twenty-two minutes ago,_

"_Approximately twenty-two minutes ago_?" Remus repeated. "Doesn't sound so approximate, does it?"

_She seized Dudley by the shoulders and shook him, as though testing to see whether she could hear his soul rattling around inside him._

"Oh yeah, that'll really work," Lily said sarcastically.

_Arthur's just told us what's happened._

_Don't leave the house again, whatever you do._

"Oh, very helpful, Sirius, great letter," James said, frustrated.

"Sorry," Sirius replied.

"_You can open it if you like," said Harry, "but I'll hear what it says anyway. That's a Howler."_

"Why is Petunia getting a Howler?" Lily asked, confused.

"No idea. But something strange is going on," James said.

"_REMEMBER MY LAST, PETUNIA."_

"I don't get it," Sirius said immediately.

"Nor do we, Padfoot," James said.

"_The boy – the boy will have to stay, Vernon," she said weakly._

"Why the sudden support?" James asked.

"It seems like she knows why everyone wants him to stay in the house," Remus answered.

"How?"

"Don't know."

"_YOU HEARD YOUR AUNT, NOW GET TO BED!"_

"That's the end of the chapter," James announced.

"I can't believe Harry might be thrown out of Hogwarts," Lily said.

"He won't be," James said.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, how about we find out by continuing the book," Sirius suggested.

"Chapter three, _The Advance Guard_."

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A/N: There's chapter two. This is going quicker than I had thought. Already on page 42 (that was sarcastic in case you couldn't tell).

Virtually passes brownies to the reviewers. Oh no! They fell on the floor… Oh well. I tried. You can have them off the floor if you want, but you should pick them up quickly because that virtual bacteria is a silent killer.

Don't forget to review. Maybe you'll get more dirty, virtual brownies. Or possibly cookies this time. Alright, now I'm hungry.


	5. The Marauder Codes

Title: Reading OoTP

"Hey guys, I just realized, it's Halloween," James announced, putting down the book.

"Good observation, Prongs," Remus said sarcastically. "But it's been Halloween all day."

"It's only noon."

"Hey, aren't you supposed to die on Halloween?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," James answered.

"Then this is your negative death day anniversary. Happy Anniversary!"

"Thank you for bringing that up, Padfoot. It's a great conversation starter."

"Why does it matter if it's Halloween, James?" Lily asked. "The only thing different is the feast."

"Halloween is a very special time for us Marauders."

Remus understood what James was talking about, although he was not very happy with this tradition. Sirius, however, was lost.

"What's so special?"

"Please recite Marauder Code #1031."

"There are Marauder Codes?" Lily asked.

"Oh yes. Many of them. Go on, Sirius."

"Marauder Code #1031?" Sirius asked. James nodded. He recited, "A Marauder must, no matter what the situation may be or where he is at the time, pull off the best prank of the year on the sacred day of Halloween. Each and every Marauder is obligated to complete this task. He may not work with another Marauder and may not learn of another Marauder's plans. If he somehow hears, he must tell said Marauder and said Marauder must think of a new, better prank. Failure to complete this task will result in punishment. Punishment will be chosen by the remaining Marauders."

"Very good, Padfoot. Have a cookie." A plate of cookies appeared and Sirius wasted no time digging in. (No reader is allowed to have these cookies. They are for Sirius only and he gets very angry when someone steals his food. You are now warned.)

"It's going to be hard to top last year, though," Sirius mused.

"Yeah, I still don't know how Remus did it," James agreed. "How _did_ you do it, Remus?"

"Please recite Amendment #7 to Marauder Code #1031," Remus said.

James sighed, for Remus said this every time he asked. But he recited it all the same. "No Marauder may reveal to another Marauder how he pulled off his prank if they do not already know. The Marauders may freely talk about the _results_ of the pranks after they have been done, but are forbidden to explain _how they were done_."

"Very good."

"Can I have a cookie, too?"

"No."

"Well, men," James said, "since it is already noon, we might as well start our planning. And remember, Amendment #5 clearly states that all pranks are to take place at dinnertime. And Amendment #6 confines the prank to the Great Hall in front of everyone. Good luck."

"Wait a minute," Lily said as the three Marauders got up to leave. "What about me? Are you just going to leave me here?"

"Well… er. I hadn't thought about that," James answered. "I don't want Peter to participate this year. He's still being punished, so I guess that means you can be the fourth Marauder… _for now._ Not permanently."

"You'd let me be a Marauder?"

"I have to. Marauder Code #38 says that there must be four members of the Marauders at all times. You know our secrets, so you seem like the best fit."

"Does this mean I have to think of a prank, too?"

"Yes. It has to be the best of all of ours. Code #46 states that all new Marauders must make their presence known and grab the attention of the existing Marauders with their first prank."

"Have you memorized all the codes?"

"Well I created them."

"How many are there?"

"That is a secret only lasting members of the Marauders get to know. Now, it is time to get creative."

"I call the dormitories," Sirius shouted just as James stopped talking.

"Damn it! I was just going to call it… Alright then, I guess I call the common room."

"I call the library!"

"Remus, nobody wants the library. You don't have to call it, just go there. It's probably empty anyway. We tell you this every year."

"I forgot."

"Lily…?"

"Er… I guess I'll just stay here. The room'll give me anything I need anyway, right?"

"That's not a bad idea. Alright everyone, let's go."

And with that, they left. Remus to go to the deserted library, Sirius to the dormitories (a favorite location of the Marauders), and James to the common room, assuredly empty as students were outside enjoying the unusually warm weather. Lily stayed, nervous that whatever feeble attempt at a prank she came up with wouldn't be good enough. The pressure was definitely on her.

----------

A/n: There you go. A Halloween-themed chapter. They're pranks shouldn't appear until later in the story since it is supposed to happen at dinnertime and they will be much further along in the book by then. Let's say they finish thinking of pranks, set them up quickly, and get back to the book in about an hour. That way they still have several hours to read the book. I am going to go right back into the book next chapter, ignoring their thought process, so don't feel like you're missing something.

Here's the thing. I'm not creative enough to think of pranks on my own. Any suggestions?

Also, a virtual cookie (Yes only one, but clean this time) to whoever can guess why the Halloween code is appropriately numbered.

Happy Halloween!


	6. Leaving the Dursleys

Title: Reading OoTP

_Virtual Cookies to everyone that reviewed because apparently you get cranky when they're taken away. But remember, ONLY TWO PER PERSON! Anymore is punishable by imprisonment. (One extra cookie for the people who guessed what the number 1031 meant. I guess it was pretty obvious. For anyone who didn't get it, it is the date of Halloween.) Enjoy!!_

_----------_

_They were bound to write back quickly; they couldn't possibly ignore a dementor attack._

"Yeah, Harry's got a point there," James said, trying to convince himself.

_He'd probably wake up tomorrow to three fat letters full of sympathy and plans for his immediate removal to the Burrow._

"Or maybe they'll just come themselves," Sirius suggested.

"Yeah, and… and… then they'll get tickets to a Quidditch match, Top Box naturally," James added.

"Prongs, you've got to stop living in your fantasy world and join us here in the real world," Remus said.

"But I like it here. You should visit sometime. There are cookies. And you can have more than two at a time."

"Well, that does sound tempting, but I think I'll stay here in the cruel, uncaring world I live in now."

"That's your choice."

_What if they _(the ministry) _ruled against him? What if he _was_ expelled and his wand snapped in half?  
_

"That won't happen, Harry," Lily said. "Think positive thoughts."

"Why?" James asked.

"It helps."

"How?"

"I don't know. It just does."

"_We – that is to say, your aunt, Dudley, and I – are going out."_

"Good. Go," James said. "Harry doesn't want to be around you anyway."

"_You are not to leave your bedroom while we are away."_

"It doesn't seem like he wants to," Remus commented.

"How exactly are they supposed to stop him from leaving his bedroom?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know. That's a good question, Padfoot," James said.

"That's a first," Remus muttered.

"I'm sorry?" Sirius said.

"I said 'that's a first'," he repeated louder.

"Oh, yeah it is."

_And then, quite distinctly, he heard a crash in the kitchen below._

"Uh oh," James said, "that doesn't sound good."

"No, no it doesn't," Remus agreed.

"_Lower your wand, boy, before you take someone's eye out," said a low, growling voice._

"Which one?" Sirius said. "Is it the real one or the weird, blue one?"

"Does it matter?" Remus asked.

"Very much so."

"_P- Professor Lupin?" he said disbelievingly. "Is that you?"_

"Yes! I'm back," Remus cheered. "I was hoping I would be in another book. They just can't leave me out, I'm too important."

"Who was it that Harry was so quick to write to?" Sirius said. "Oh that's right… it was me. And who was in the last book. Me again."

"That doesn't count. You were hardly even in it."

"This isn't a competition," Lily said.

"Yes it is," Remus and Sirius answered at the same time.

Lily looked at James for support, but he just nodded in agreement that it was, in fact, a fierce competition.

"_Why are we all standing in the dark?"_

"That's a good point," Remus said.

"I thought it was good point first," Sirius interrupted.

"That's impossible. I thought it was good point the second it was said."

"I thought it was _great_ point _before_ it was said."

Remus just stared at him. "Sure you did."

_said a third voice, this one completely unfamiliar, a woman's._

"Ooh, _a woman's_," Sirius repeated. "Is she cute?"

"Is that all you ever think of?" Lily asked.

"No."

"Don't lie," James said.

"Yeah it is," Sirius admitted.

_She looked the youngest there; she had a pale heart-shaped face, dark twinkling eyes, and short spiky hair that was a violent shade of violet._

"… Interesting," Sirius said.

"_Yeah, I see what you mean, Remus," said a bald black wizard standing farthest back; he had a deep, slow voice and wore a single gold hoop in his ear. "He looks exactly like James."_

"Thank you, random wizard in the back," James said appreciatively.

"_Except the eyes,"_

"Here we go again," Lily sighed.

"What, you don't like that Harry's eyes are complimented for looking like yours?" James asked.

"I like that, but hearing about it from every person that Harry meets is a little excessive."

"_Don't put your wand there, boy!" roared Moody. "What if it ignited?"_

"Well, that would be bad," Sirius answered.

"_Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"_

"I think Harry'll take that chance," Remus said, smiling at Moody's paranoia.

"And what exactly does he mean by '_better wizards than you_'?" James asked, offended.

"I think he means '_better wizards_' than Harry," Sirius supplied.

"Thanks for the clarification," James said sarcastically.

"_I'm – you're really lucky the Dursleys are out…" he mumbled._

"_Lucky, ha!" said the violet-haired woman. "It was me that lured them out of the way. Sent a letter by Muggle post telling them they'd been short-listed for the All-England Best-Kept Suburban Lawn Competetion. They're heading off to the prize-giving right now… Or they think they are."_

"Good idea, violet-haired woman," Sirius said. "Exactly how to get the Dursleys out of the way. Tell them they are perfect and won a pointless competition. Good call."

"_And this is Nymphadora –"_

"Don't _call me Nympadora, Remus," said the young witch with a shudder. "It's Tonks."_

"Nymphadora Tonks!" Sirius gasped, realizing who it was. "My-my c-cousin?"

"And you were asking if she was cute," James said, shaking his head.

Continuing with the competitive attitude he had recently adopted, Remus said, "I would like to go on record saying that I did not ask if she was cute. I am in no way attracted to her."

"Noted," James said.

"Good."

"_We're your guard, Potter."_

"That explains the title," Remus pointed out.

_She screwed up her eyes in a strained expression as though she were struggling to remember something. A second later, her hair had turned bubble-gum pink._

"Wow, that's a cool trick," Remus said.

"It is the first time. But when she does it five hundred times a day, it gets annoying," Sirius said.

"_We don't break ranks for anything, got me? If one of is killed -"_

"Woah, I don't Harry signed up for that," Sirius said.

"Don't worry, Padfoot. I'm there," Remus soothed.

"That's exactly why I'm worried."

"Ooh, that was mean," James said.

"Yeah it was a little mean," Sirius agreed. "I apologize, Moony."

"Apology accepted."

"_ARE YOU MAD, MAD-EYE?" Tonks screamed from the front._

"Obviously. It's in his name," Sirius said.

_The grimy fronts of the surrounding houses were not welcoming; some of them had broken windows, glimmering dully in the light from the streetlamps, paint was peeling from many of the doors, and heaps if rubbish lay outside several sets of front steps._

"That's sounds familiar," Sirius said.

_The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London._

Sirius's eyes widened in realization.

"Where is that, Padfoot?" James asked.

"Home."


	7. Arriving at Number Twelve

Title: Reading OoTP

_Chapter 4: Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place_

_Harry stepped over the threshold into the almost total darkness of the hall._

"There's no turning back, Harry," Sirius said soberly. "You've just entered a world of pain and suffering."

"That bad?" James asked. Sirius nodded.

_Both the chandelier and the candelabra on a rickety table nearby were shaped like serpents._

"Brings back memories," Sirius said. "Bad ones."

…_passing a row of shrunken heads mounted on plaques on the wall. A closer look showed Harry that the heads belonged to house-elves._

"That sounds creepy," Lily said.

"I can't wait until Kreacher's head is finally put on a plaque," Sirius said enthusiastically. "Then I might actually start to like that wall."

"Why are there house-elf heads on your walls?" Lily asked.

"Tradition."

"That's a strange tradition, Padfoot," James said.

"It customary for all wizarding families of my background."

_What on earth were they doing in a house that looked as though it belonged to the Darkest of wizards?_

"It doesn't just look like it, it does belong to dark wizards, Harry," Sirius answered.

_Harry crossed the dingy landing, turning the bedroom doorknob, which was shaped like a serpent's head, and opened the door._

"What's with all the serpent's heads?" James asked.

"My family has some weird attachment to serpents," Sirius explained. "They think that if there aren't at least a hundred little serpent sculptures in the house at all times, they'll be accused of not being pure-blooded enough."

"_Hermione was going spare, she kept saying you'd do something stupid if you were stuck all on your own without news, but Dumbledore made us -"_

"_- swear not to tell me," said Harry. "Yeah, Hermione's already said."_

"Why is Dumbledore keeping information from him? And shouldn't he be the first person to greet Harry, especially after the Dementor attack?" James asked.

"You would think," Remus agreed. "Something strange is definitely going on."

_All of a sudden – after yearning to see them for a solid month – he felt he would rather Ron and Hermione left him alone._

"Harry! That's not nice. They said they wanted to help!" Lily berated.

_He noticed that her hands too bore the marks of Hedwig's beak and found that he was not at all sorry._

"Harry Potter! You take that back right now! They're your friends and you should feel sorry for hurting them!" Lily shouted.

_He walked away from them, looking around, with Hedwig nestled contentedly on his shoulder, but this room was not likely to raise his spirits._

"None of them are, Harry," Sirius said. "You're in the wrong house for that."

_It was dank and dark._

"They all are."

"_SO YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE MEETINGS, BIG DEAL!... WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?"_

"Harry!" Lily shouted in surprise again. "This is no way to treat your friends! They can't help being told not to say anything! They're just following orders!"

"I have to agree with you. I think Harry is overreacting a bit," James said.

"I don't know, I would hate to be in the dark that long from something so important," Sirius disagreed.

"But Dumbledore said -"

"So? Dumbledore's only human."

James fell silent. He had not expected this from Sirius. Both of them believed Dumbledore always had the answers.

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe he made a mistake. Maybe he should have brought Harry to live with the rest of them earlier."

"I think we have to disagree here."

"That's a first," Remus said, shocked.

"_It's a secret society," said Hermione quickly._

"I want to join," James said immediately.

"Why? Just because it's a secret society?" Lily asked.

"Yeah. That would be so cool."

"Prongs, you do know this secret society exists in the future, you can't join," Remus said.

"Way to ruin the fun, Moony."

"_Dumbledore's in charge, he founded it. It's the people who fought against You-Know-Who last time."_

"Ooh, then maybe I _am_ in it… or was. I'm confused," James said, scratching his head.

"It doesn't take much to do that," Remus said under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"_Fred and George have invented Extendable Ears, see," said Ron. "They're really useful."_

"I bet they are. Fred and George invented them," Sirius said, getting ready to hear about an amazing new product.

"Do you even have any idea as to what they are?" Remus asked.

"I don't know. They sound like they distort your ears and you can freak someone out with it."

"What would that have to do with finding out information?"

"Not much."

_With two loud cracks, Fred and George, Ron's elder twin brothers, had materialized out of thin air in the middle of the room._

"Yes! Fred and George have arrived," James exclaimed.

"And it seems they've learned to Apparate," Remus commented.

"_Remember old Fleur Delacour?" said George. "She's got a job at Gringotts to eemprove 'er Eeenglsih -"_

"_- and Bill's been giving her a lot of private lessons," sniggered Fred._

"Ooh, wonder what that means," Sirius said suggestively.

"Maybe they're just close friends," Lily proposed.

"_Really_ close."

**(I am about to skip 6 pages in the book. I can't think of anything to write for them. This is what happens: Percy leaves the family. The **_**Daily Prophet**_** is mean to Harry. That's it.)**

"_Who's Kreacher," he asked._

"_The house-elf who lives her," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him."_

"You can say that again," Sirius said.

"_His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque just like his mother," said Ron irritably._

"Yeah, well, let him do it. Life would be so much better."

"_Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness! Half-breeds, mutants, freaks, begone from this place! How dare you befoul the house of my fathers -"_

"That's mum," Sirius said.

"She sounds terrible," Lily said.

"She is."

_Then a man with long black hair came charging out of a door facing Harry._

"_Shut up, you horrible old hag, shut UP!"_

"Wow, I've never met anyone who's spoken to her like that before," Sirius said, pleasantly surprised. "I like this man."

"_Hello, Harry," he said grimly. "I see you've met my mother."_

"Ha! I'm in the book, too," Sirius said to Remus.

"We'll see who has a bigger role," Remus responded.

"Would you two give it a rest?" Lily asked, exasperated.

"No," they both answered.

"That's the end of the chapter," James interrupted. "Shall I continue?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Sirius said.

"Chapter Five: _The Order of the Phoenix…_"


	8. Dinner with the Order

Title: Reading OoTP

"_Your - ?"_

"_My dear old mum, yeah," said Sirius._

"Unfortunately," muttered the present Sirius.

"_We've been trying to get her down for a month but we think she put a Permanent Sticking Charm on the back of the canvas."_

"I wouldn't put it past her."

"_I offered it _(the house)_ to Dumbledore for headquarters – about the only useful thing I've been able to do."_

"Oh, that's sad," James said.

"Yeah, I pity myself," Sirius agreed.

_Mr. Weasley and his eldest son, Bill, were talking quietly with their heads together at the end of the table._

_Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat._

"I really wish we could've heard what they were talking about," Remus said.

"Me, too," James said.

_In the flash of light caused by Mrs. Weasley's charm, Harry caught a glimpse of what looked like the plan of a building._

"Wow, this is more serious than I thought," Remus said. "It looks as if they're planning on raiding a building."

"But what building?" James asked.

"Probably some place important, so they can really do some damage," Sirius said. Seeing the looks on everyone's faces, he added, "What? That's what I'd do."

"_Some'n say m' name?" Mundungus mumbled sleepily. "I 'gree with Sirius…"_

"Looks like you've got some influence over the Order, Sirius," Remus said.

"Who wouldn't want to agree with me?" Sirius said pompously.

"I can think of a few people."

"_Owe you a 'pology," grunted a voice from the middle of the smelly cloud._

"That's for sure," James grumbled.

_The cloud of smoke vanished as Mundungus stowed his pipe back in his pocket, but an acrid smell of burning socks lingered._

"Burning socks? What is he smoking?" Lily asked.

"You honestly don't know?" Sirius replied.

"No."

"Then don't worry about it."

"_No, no, I want to help!" said Tonks brightly, knocking over a chair as she hurried toward the dresser from which Ginny was collecting cutlery._

"This book is really making her look clumsy," Sirius commented.

"Yeah, it says she knocks something over almost every page," James agreed.

"She's not this clumsy now. Maybe it comes with age."

"That doesn't make sense, Padfoot," Remus said. "You think you would become less clumsy over time."

"Well, Nymphadora has always been on the strange side."

"_See, I wouldn't 'ave left," said Mundungus, leaning forward, a pleading note in his voice, "but I 'ad a business opportunity-"_

"That doesn't matter. You never abandon your post," James said.

"Since when has James Potter had principles?" Lily asked, feigning shock.

"I've always had principles."

"Like what?"

"Never betray a friend… and Snape's a greasy git."

"That doesn't count."

"It does to me."

"_Personally, I'd have welcomed a dementor attack."_

"Sirius, you're a strange, strange man," James said.

"Thanks."

"_You think you've had it bad, at least you've been able to get out and about, stretch your legs, get into a few fights… I've been stuck inside for a month."_

"Oh, that's terrible," Sirius said dramatically. "I don't think I could ever live like that."

"Apparently you do," Remus pointed out.

"I don't know how, though. I can't stand to be stuck doing nothing for a day, not to mention a whole month."

_Harry felt a sudden upsurge of affection for his godfather._

"Thank you, Harry. Same to you."

"_And if you'll believe me, lads, the gormless gargoyle buys all 'is own toads back orf me for twice what 'e paid in the first place-"_

"Really?" Sirius said, laughing. "That's a good deal."

"But he cheated that man out of his money," Lily said.

"So?"

"That's not right."

"So? It works, doesn't it?"

"_She hasn't forgiven him for slipping off duty when he was supposed to be tailing you."_

"Good, he doesn't deserve to be forgiven," James said.

"_Since when did someone have to be in the Order of the Phoenix to ask questions?" asked Sirius. "Harry's been trapped in that Muggle house for a month. He's got the right to know what's been happen -"_

"I completely agree with… me," Sirius said.

"That's shocking," Remus said sarcastically. "I didn't see that one coming."

"Then you're just crazy."

_Lupin's eyes were fixed on Sirius._

"Like me that much, do you, Remus?" Sirius asked playfully.

"Shut up."

"_He's not _James_, Sirius!"_

"Whoa there," Sirius said taken aback. "This is turning ugly."

"Yeah. And why did my name have to get thrown into the argument?" James asked.

"I have no idea."

"_I think Harry ought to be allowed a say in this," Lupin continued. "He's old enough to decide for himself."_

"I agree. Good job, Moony," James said.

Remus looked over at Sirius with a triumphant look.

"You got this one, Lupin. Beginner's luck."

"Yeah, we'll see."

_For a split second, Harry considered telling Ron that he wouldn't tell him a single word, that he could try a taste of being kept in the dark and see how he liked it._

"Don't do that, Harry," Lily advised. "Be the bigger man."

"Do it, Harry," Sirius encouraged. "They deserve it for not telling you anything."

"They were under orders."

"They're supposed to be his friends."

"Dumbledore said -"

"Who cares? They shouldn't have listened."

_But the nasty impulse vanished as they looked at each other._

"Good choice, Harry," Lily said.

"Oh well, maybe next time," Sirius sighed.

_(Sirius, Remus, Mr. Weasley, Tonks, and Bill answer Harry's questions. _I can't see the Marauders interrupting this discussion too much… so they won't. Let's just say that they were too wrapped up in getting the information that they forgot to say anything. If you want to know what happens in the Q&A, it can be found in the chapter _The Order of the Phoenix_.)

_One by one they stood up and Harry, recognizing defeat, followed suit._

"That's the end of the chapter," James said.

"Wow, very informational," Remus said.

"Yeah, the Order is completely different from what I expected. I thought it would just be some people talking about how bad Voldemort is," Sirius explained. "Not some anti-Voldemort movement actually fighting him."

"I want to join," James announced.

"You can't," Sirius said, "you're not out of school or old enough."

"And he isn't in the right time period," Remus added.

"That, too."

"Shall I continue?" James asked. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Okay, I got it. Chapter Six: _The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black_…"

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A/N: Don't forget to review.


	9. Doxies and Tapestries

Title: Reading OoTP

"_If Ginny's not lying awake waiting for Hermione to tell her everything they said downstairs, then I'm a flobberworm…"_

"Is he?" Sirius asked.

"I think it was a joke, Padfoot," James said.

"Oh, that makes sense."

_He crossed to the door and bolted it._

"Good idea, Ron," Sirius said approvingly.

"Why?" Remus asked.

"You never know what could be prowling around at night."

"_Kreacher," said Ron as he turned off the light._

"Exactly."

"_-_demort," _said Harry firmly. "When are you going to start using his name? Sirius and Lupin do."_

"Ha," Remus and Sirius said to each other at the same time. Then they realized that both of them were being praised and neither could claim to have a better part in the book. Needless to say, they were both disappointed.

"_Maybe it's some particularly painful way of killing people," said Ron fearfully._

"Yeah, like making them meet Snape," James suggested.

"_She _(Mrs. Weasley)_ doesn't trust us at all, you know," said Ron regretfully._

"I wonder why," Lily said sarcastically.

_In fact, many-legged creatures were cantering softly up and down outside the bedroom door, and Hagrid, the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, was saying, "_Beauties, aren' they, eh, Harry? We'll be studyin' weapons this term_…"_ _And Harry saw that the creatures had cannons for heads and were wheeling to face him… he ducked…_

"That's strange," James commented.

"Yeah, the creatures are supposed to be outside his bedroom, how can he see them through the walls?" Sirius asked.

"That's not at all what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"That his dreams are stranger than normal ones."

"They were dreams?" Sirius genuinely asked.

"No, Sirius, they really happened," Remus answered. "James is lying to you."

"Why would you do that to me?" Sirius said to James.

"Because I'm a mean person, Padfoot. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course I can, Prongs."

"_There are loads more doxies than she though and she's found a nest of puffskeins under the sofa."_

"I don't know what any of that means," James said.

"Have you ever cleaned anything before?" Lily asked, shocked that he didn't know what a doxy is.

"Are you kidding?"

…_Harry and Ron…entered the drawing room, a long, high-ceilinged room on the first floor with olive-green walls covered in dirty tapestries._

"Damn tapestries," Sirius muttered angrily under his breath.

"What's wrong?" James asked.

"Nothing," he replied, eyes narrowed.

"_I've just been feeding Buckbeak," he added, in reply to Harry's inquiring look. "I keep him upstairs in my mother's bedroom."_

"Good, let him tear it to pieces," Sirius said darkly.

_Mrs. Weasley's was bending over to check the page on doxies in _Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests_, which was lying open on the sofa._

"Oh no, if she's trusting that fraud, then they're bound to do everything wrong," Sirius said.

"I can't believe she still trusts him," James said.

"Me neither," Remus agreed.

"_We want to experiment with doxy venom for our Skiving Snackboxes," George told Harry under his breath._

"And what, may I ask, is a Skiving Snackbox?" James said.

"You can ask, but I won't be able to tell you the answer," Remus replied.

"That's okay, I wasn't really asking you anyway."

"I don't know the answer either," Sirius said.

"You're all so self-centered. What makes you think I was talking to you?"

"Well that's better than talking to a book," Remus answered.

"…True."

"_Not seriously ill, mind, just ill enough to get you out of a class when you feel like it."_

"That's brilliant," Sirius said enthusiastically. "What an amazing idea."

"But you'd be skipping class," Lily said.

"Yeah. So?"

_They were crammed with an odd assortment of objects: a selection of rusty daggers, claws, a coiled snakeskin, a number of tarnished silver boxes inscribed with languages Harry could not understand and … an ornate crystal bottle … full of what Harry was quite sure was blood._

"Exactly how I know it," Sirius said. "Nothing has changed. All the unpleasantness is still there."

"_WE ARE NOT RUNNING A HIDEOUT FOR STOLEN GOODS!"_

"Well, you're running a hideout for something," James commented. "Just not stolen _goods_."

"_The idiots are letting her get into her stride," said George, shaking his head._

"That's stupid. Always come out on the offensive," Sirius advised. "Once you take a defensive position, you become vulnerable and they can easily defeat you."

"Thanks for the little lesson, Padfoot," James said.

"No problem. These are facts everyone should know."

_(After Kreacher appears and mutters about mudbloods, blood traitors, and scum.)_

"He's horrible," Lily said, horrified.

"Not to my mother. She'd rather have him as a son than me," Sirius said.

"That's terrible."

"That's my life."

"_My mother didn't have a heart, Kreacher," Sirius snapped. "She kept herself alive out of pure spite."_

"I'll believe it," Sirius said. "She would do that."

_**The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black**_

"_**Toujours Pur"**_

"That's the name of the chapter," Remus pointed out.

"That's the name of my house," Sirius corrected.

"_You're not on here!" said Harry, after scanning the bottom of the tree closely._

"What? That's impossible. How can they take you off and deny you were ever born?" Lily asked disbelievingly.

"With a simple blasting charm," Sirius answered.

_(Talking about Regulus' death)_

"_No, he was murdered by Voldemort. Or on Voldemort's orders, more likely … he got in so far, then panicked about what he was being asked to do and tried to back out."_

"I always wondered how he would die," Sirius said. "I know he wasn't powerful enough to fight off any aurors. He was always more concerned with books than the Dark Arts. I didn't think he'd back out, though."

"I guess there was more good in him than you knew," James said.

"There's still not enough to be noticed, though."

"_Lunch," said Mrs. Weasley's voice._

"That's an idea," said Sirius.

"But it's the middle of the chapter, Sirius. Can't you wait until the end?" James asked.

"No."

"Fine, we'll get something now."

Once the room provided them with lunch, they wasted no time digging in.

----------

A/N: That's enough for now. Looks like this is going to be another chapter split into two updates.

Don't forget to review.


	10. Housecleaning

Title: Reading OoTP

Tourjours Pur Always Pure

----------

"_I haven't looked at this _(the tapestry) _for years."_

"I don't blame myself," Sirius said.

"That's shocking," Remus said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I was surprised, too."

"_and Araminta Meliflua… cousin of my mother's… tried to forced through a Ministry Bill to make Muggle-hunting legal…"_

"What? That didn't work?" James said, feigning shock.

"I would've thought that would work for sure," Remus agreed, playing along.

"Don't laugh, it almost did," Sirius said soberly. "She's a very persuasive speaker."

"_You're related to the Malfoys!"_

"Who isn't?" Sirius said.

"I'm not!" James answered.

"As far as you know."

"You think I could actually be related to the Malfoys?!"

"Probably not, but you're one of only a few pure-blooded families that isn't. The Malfoys spread their seed far across the web of pure-blooded families."

"That's disgusting, Sirius," Lily said.

"Wait until you find out who they have to marry to keep pure-blooded," Sirius said, smiling as he imagined what her face would look like once she heard.

_He had seen Bellatrix Lestrange inside Dumbledore's Pensieve… a tall dark woman… who had stood at her trial and proclaimed her continuing allegiance to Lord Voldemort._

"That b-!"

"Prongs, calm down," Remus interrupted.

James stayed quiet but narrowed his eyes significantly.

_He knew how he would feel if forced, when he was grown up and thought he was free of the place forever, to return and live at number four, Privet Drive._

"Sickening," Lily shuddered.

"Now you know how I must feel," Sirius said.

_(Thinking about the trial for the first time after he started enjoying being with his friends again.)_

_At Sirius' words, however, the crushing sense of dread returned to him._

"Great job, Padfoot," James said angrily. "Now you've stopped him from having fun. Moony would never do anything like that."

"Sorry, Prongs," Sirius apologized.

Remus beamed triumphantly and, when James turned back to the book, mouthed to Sirius that he was winning.

_Nature's Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy_

"Ah, I remember that book. I was forced to read it when I was younger," Sirius recalled. "We have about thirty copies of it in the house, placed at random intervals so that you can pick it up and start reading no matter where you are."

…_also a heavy locket that none of them could open…_

Everyone looked at Sirius.

"I've never seen that locket before," he said. "It's probably not that important, though. It didn't even get a full sentence in the book."

"_It means he gave them a load of gold."_

"But how could they give someone an Order of Merlin, First Class for that?" Lily asked.

"Well, it was a _lot_ of gold."

"_It was my fathers," said Sirius, throwing the ring into the sack. "Kreacher wasn't _quite_ as devoted to him as to my mother, but I still caught him snogging a pair of my father's old trousers last week."_

"That's gross," Lily said.

"That's Kreacher," Sirius corrected.

_And Lupin, who was staying in the house with Sirius but who left it for long periods to do mysterious work for the Order,_

"What type of work?" James asked.

"I don't know," Remus answered.

"Maybe it's not work," Sirius suggested. "Maybe he's going out to meet someone… a _special_ someone."

"Shut up, Sirius."

_helped them repair a grandfather clock that had developed the unpleasant habit of shooting heavy bolts at passersby._

"Well that's not very nice," James said.

"No, it's not," Sirius agreed.

_The thought that Dumbledore had been in the house on the eve of his hearing and not asked to see him made him feel, if that were possible, even worse._

"It is strange," James said. "I wonder why he didn't visit Harry."

"Me, too," Sirius said. "Alright, keep reading."

"That's the end of the chapter."

"So?"

"Chapter Seven: _The Ministry of Magic_…"

----------

A/N: This was a short chapter, I admit. I also admit it wasn't my best. Although I'm sure more reviews could help me get back to normal. _Hint, hint._


	11. Visiting the Ministry

Title: Reading OoTP

**Sorry for the short wait.**

"_Oh…yeah… well, we need to be a bit more careful, he's been asking Kingsley and me funny questions…"_

"Oh? How funny?" Sirius asked.

"I don't think that she meant jokes," Lily said.

"What else could she have meant?"

"_Don't lose your temper," said Sirius abruptly._

"I have to disagree with myself here," Sirius said. "I think losing your temper is the best thing to do."

"But it makes you look less credible if you just start shouting like a madman," Remus argued.

"Yeah, but its fun."

"_Doesn't it_ (Harry's hair)_ ever lie flat?" she said desperately._

"Never," James answered solemnly. "Trust me, my mother has spent _hours_ trying to tame the wild beast."

_Harry had expected a rather more impressive location for the Ministry of Magic._

"Believe me, it's much better on the inside," James said.

"I've actually never been to the Ministry of Magic," Lily commented.

"It's a beautiful place. You should visit sometime."

_As the dial whirred smoothly back into place, a cool female voice sounded inside the telephone box, not from the receiver in Mr. Weasley's hand, but as loudly and plainly as though an invisible woman were standing right beside them._

"That's awesome," Sirius exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know. Sometimes I use the visitor's entrance just for that," James said.

"It is pretty interesting," Remus admitted.

"Wait, it gets better."

_He picked it up: It was a square silver badge with _Harry Potter, Disciplinary Hearing_ on it._

"Not bad," Sirius said.

"Keep waiting," James said excitedly.

"_The Ministry of Magic wishes you a pleasant day," said the woman's voice._

"Why, thank you," James answered politely.

_Glittering jets of water were flying from the ends of the two wands, the point of the centaur's arrow, the top of the goblin's hat, and each of the house-elf's ears, so that the tinkling hiss of falling water was added to the pops and cracks of Apparators…_

"Wow," Lily breathed.

"Yeah," James nodded.

"No really… wow."

"I know."

_If I'm not expelled from Hogwarts, I'll put in ten Galleons, _Harry found himself thinking desperately.

"Don't do it, Harry," Sirius advised. "That's a waste of money."

"But it's going to a good cause," Lily said.

"Then I hope someone else donates. Harry, on the other hand, should keep his money."

_The wizard dropped it onto a strange brass instrument, which looked something like a set of scales with only one dish. It began to vibrate. A narrow strip of parchment came speeding out of a slit in the base._

"Now that's amazing. Muggles don't have _anything_ like that," James said confidently.

"Yes they do," Lily said.

"But only wizards are smart enough to invent something so useful."

"Guess not."

_The box was emitting rasping noises._

"_What've you got there, Bob?" asked Mr. Weasley, looking at the box._

"Something dangerous, I hope," Sirius said, smiling devilishly.

"_Level seven, Department of Magical Games and Sports… and Ludicrous Patents Office."_

"Ludicrous Patents Office?" Remus repeated, laughing.

"That's an official office?" James asked.

"Seems so."

"But why is it on the level with sports and games?"

"No idea."

"_Level three, Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes… and Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee."_

"That deserves a whole committee?" Sirius asked.

"It's very serious business, making up excuses," James said sarcastically. "Very serious indeed."

_Harry received a slight shock; Sirius's face was blinking down at him from every direction. Newspaper cuttings and old photographs – even the one of Sirius being best man at the Potter's wedding – papered the walls._

"Well, Sirius, it seems you have an admirer," Remus teased.

"I don't think so," Sirius replied.

"I don't know, Padfoot, Kingsley seems like a nice boy. You should reconsider," James said. "Just don't break his heart."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Sirius muttered angrily through gritted teeth.

"_Quick, Harry, we should have been there five minutes ago!"_

"What?! Don't be late," James said, worried.

"_Department of Mysteries," said the cool female voice, and left it at that._

"Hmm, interesting," Remus muttered.

"You say that a lot, Moony," James said. "Care to tell us what you're thinking."

"No."

_He swallowed hard, turned the heavy iron door handle, and stepped inside the courtroom._

"… And to his doom," Sirius dramatically finished.

"Sirius!" Lily reprimanded.

"Sorry, Lily, it was a joke."

"A bad one."

"That's the end of chapter," James announced.

"I say we don't read any more," Sirius said.

"Really?"

"NO!"

"Liar," James muttered under his breath. "Chapter Eight: The Hearing…"


	12. Cleared of All Charges

Title: Reading OoTP

_This is the place he had visited inside Dumbledore's Pensieve, the place where he had watched the Lestranges sentenced to life imprisonment in Azkaban._

"Why is his hearing there?" Lily asked, worriedly.

"I don't know, but I don't like the sound of this," James answered.

"_You're late."_

"That's not his fault!" Sirius exclaimed.

"We know, Sirius, clam down," James said.

"_This is not the Wizengamot's fault," said the voice._

"The Wizengamot!" Remus repeated.

"What's the matter?" James asked.

"Do you know what the Wizengamot is?"

"Something that judges these types of trials?" Sirius weakly suggested.

Remus slowly shook his head. "They would never concern themselves with something so unimportant."

"Then why are they?"

"I don't know."

_Harry dropped his gaze to the chair in the center of the room, the arms of which were covered in chains._

"Oh no! They're not going to chain him to the chair, are they?" Lily said.

"They better not," James said dangerously.

"_Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister."_

"Maybe she'll be sympathetic to Harry," Remus said.

"Hopefully," James said.

_Dumbledore was striding serenely across the room wearing long midnight-blue robes and a perfectly calm expression._

"Good, Dumbledore is there. Now everything will be fine," James said, visibly relaxing.

"_I must have missed it," said Dumbledore cheerfully. "However, due to a lucky mistake I arrived at the Ministry three hours early, so no harm done."_

"What's Fudge playing at?" James said angrily.

"What do you mean," Sirius asked.

"By the way he's acting, he obviously didn't tell Dumbledore about the change in time… In fact, he probably changed it so Dumbledore would miss it."

"But that's not fair. Harry's allowed to have a defense," Lily said.

"I know. It's probably illegal."

"_That he did knowingly, deliberately, and in full awareness of the illegality of his actions…"_

"Look who's talking," Remus muttered.

"_And yet you conjured a Patronus on the night of the second of August?" said Fudge._

"_Yes," said Harry, "but-"_

"_Knowing that…"_

"Let him finish a damn sentence!" James demanded, pounding his fist on the table.

"_You produced a fully fledged Patronus?"_

"What? Is that against the law?" Sirius asked heatedly.

"Not that I know of," Remus said.

"_Impressive."_

"… That's not how I expected that to turn out," James admitted, surprised.

"Me neither," Sirius agreed.

"_We do, in fact, have a witness to the presence of dementors in that alleyway," he said,_

"He can't mean Dudley," James said disbelievingly.

"_other than Dudley Dursley, I mean."_

"Then who is it?" Sirius asked impatiently.

"Wait a second and we'll find out," James said.

_A moment later, Percy returned, followed by Mrs. Figg._

"Ah, of course, I can't believe I forgot," Remus muttered to himself.

_(After the trial_ – I can't really think of anything to write for anything after Mrs. Figg walks in… sorry)

_He ought to have explained more fully about the dementors, about how he had fallen over, about how both he and Dudley had nearly been kissed…_

"Not like you had a chance," Sirius muttered angrily.

"_And those in favor of conviction?"_

_Fudge raised his hand; so did half a dozen others, including the witch on his right…_

"So now we know what this Umbridge woman believes," Lily said. "Good thing Harry won't have to see her after the hearing."

"_Very well, very well… cleared of all charges."_

"YES!" everyone cheered.

"Justice comes through in the end," James said.

"It was close for a moment, though," Remus said.

"Too close."

_And without looking once at Harry, he swept from the dungeon._

"That is very strange behavior," James mused.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever… Keep reading," Sirius urged.

"But it's the end of the chapter."

"So then start a new one."

"Chapter Nine: _The Woes of Mrs. Weasley_..."

----------

A/N: It seems my chapters are getting shorter. Oh well, it's still only the beginning of the book. I'm sure when there's more action, they'll start to get longer.

Don't forget to review.


	13. Stinksap!

Title: Reading OoTP

"Chapter Nine: _The Woes of Mrs. Weasley…_"

"Hold on a second," Remus interrupted.

"What?" Sirius asked, annoyed.

"I need to – er – use the restroom."

"You're kidding me?"

"Nope."

"Why now?"

"When nature calls…"

"… You tell it you're busy and call it back at another time?"

"That is incorrect."

"Damn. I really thought I had it there."

"I was pulling for you, Padfoot," James said.

"Thanks, Prongs. You're a true friend."

"I'm going to go now so I don't waste any more time than necessary," Remus announced.

"Well, if we're stopping anyway, I might as well go, too," Sirius said resignedly.

"Me, too," James said. "Lily…?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks."

"Okay, we'll be back soon."

The three boys left, leaving Lily alone in the Room of Requirement. Given her recent attitude towards the Marauder's mischievous way of thinking, this was a mistake.

"Padfoot, I couldn't agree with you more," James was saying as he and the other two marauders entered the Room of Requirement.

"Even I'd have to admit that's a pretty intelligent idea," Remus agreed.

"Thanks."

"So, shall we continue reading?" Lily asked innocently as the boys sat down.

"Okay, she wins. That idea was better than mine," Sirius said.

"Where was I?" James asked. "Chapter nine?"

"I think so," Lily answered, hardly holding back her grin.

James picked up the book and flipped through the pages.

"Chapter seven…" he muttered to himself. "Chapter eight… Ah, here it is."

Just as he turned the page to the beginning of the chapter, an obnoxiously pungent smelling stream of Stinksap shot out of the book and onto James's face.

"Aww, these are new robes. They were _really_ expensive," James complained, trying to wipe away the liquid.

Sirius began laughing uncontrollably. He hadn't expected the prank and was shocked at first, but when it sank in, it was quite hilarious. Remus also let a small chuckle escape him. Lily, of course, was victoriously grinning.

"Lily, the prank isn't supposed to be until dinner," James said, slightly irritated while he magically siphoned off the sap. He added under his breath, "Or on _me_."

"I know when it's supposed to be… that was just for fun."

Sirius is still laughing.

"Padfoot, do you want Moony to become my new best friend?" James asked seriously.

Sirius immediately stopped laughing.

"That – That's not fair!"

"I'd appreciate a little support here."

"Bad girl, Lily. Bad girl," he scolded.

"Good girl, Lily. Good girl," Remus said.

"Remus!" James exclaimed. "Traitor!"

"It was funny."

"What if I – I – How about if I – er -"

"Yes, Prongs."

"Oh, never mind."

"Exactly."

"Should I just read then?"

"That would be a good idea."

James cautiously picked up the book again and slowly turned the pages. Once he reached the page before the ninth chapter, he turned the book away. When he flipped the page, nothing happened.

"Chapter Nine: _The Woes of Mrs. Weasley…_ What? No interruptions?"

"None from me," Remus answered.

"_Merlin's beard," said Mr. Weasley wonderingly, pulling Harry aside to let them all pass, "you were tried by the full court?"_

"Unnecessarily," James said.

_The lines around Mr. Weasley's mouth tightened slightly, but other than this he gave no sign that he had noticed his third son._

"That's sad," Lily said, concerned.

"It is," James agreed.

"_Well, well, well… Patronus Potter," said Lucius Malfoy coolly._

"Hey! You're not allowed to give him a nickname. Only a marauder can," Sirius said, offended.

"Is that a code?" Lily asked.

"As a matter of fact, it is."

"What number?"

"635," James answered.

"_Oh, he's very well connected, Lucius Malfoy…"_

"But if he weren't… If he weren't…" James said dangerously.

"You'd do what?" Remus asked.

"… Something."

_Harry turned his money bag upside down and emptied not just ten Galleons, but the whole contents into the pool at the statues' feet._

"That's just wasteful," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"At least he kept his word," James said.

"True."

----------

A/N: Well, there's another short chapter. Hopefully the next one will be longer.

REVIEW!!


	14. Prefects

Title: Reading OoTP

Sorry for the wait, I was really busy… And for that matter, I will be for the next week or so, so I _probably_ won't update for at least that long.

----------

"_You belong to Hogwarts and Sirius knows it. Personally, I think he's being selfish."_

"No, he would _never_ do that," Remus said sarcastically.

"Thank you for the support, Moony," Sirius said.

"_You wouldn't want to be stuck inside this house without company."_

"Ha! Take that," Sirius taunted.

"_He just got his hopes up that Harry would be coming to live here with him."_

"Ha! Take that," James mocked.

"I will, thank you," Sirius replied.

"_So you think he's touched in the head?" said Harry heatedly._

"Aww, Harry's defending me," Sirius said.

"… _you'll be a bit more active in S.P.E.W.!"_

"Oh, not again," Remus muttered.

"I thought we were finally free of that," James said.

"Apparently not."

_Mrs. Weasley made sure that Harry and the others were kept well out of earshot._

"Too bad," Sirius sighed.

"_Because it means Dumbledore's found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," said George._

"I hope its Moony," James said.

"It won't be," Remus said.

"Still, I can hope, right?"

"_Prefect?" he said, staring incredulously at the letter. "_Prefect?_"_

"How could he?" James asked seriously.

"And I thought he was one of the 'good' ones," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Being a prefect isn't 'good'?" Lily asked.

James and Sirius vehemently nodded their heads to agree with the statement. Remus, however, did not.

"Of course it's good. These two idiots are just jealous," he said.

"_Jealous!_" Sirius repeated. "Hear that, Prongs?"

"Oh, I heard alright," James answered. "And I know for a fact that it's not true."

"Sure it's not," Remus said, rolling his eyes.

"_We thought you were a cert!" said Fred in a tone that suggested Harry had tricked them in some way._

"That would make a bit more sense," Remus admitted. "I'm a little surprised Ron got prefect and not Harry."

"As am I," James said. "But it's a good surprise, don't get me wrong."

"I'm glad Harry didn't have to go through the humiliation," Sirius said.

"Me, too, Padfoot. Me, too."

"_Well, at least one of you's got their priorities right."_

"Is he actually praising Ron for becoming prefect?" James asked incredulously.

"Impossible," Sirius said, not believing what he was hearing.

_He strode over to Harry and clapped him on the back while giving Ron a scathing look._

"Ah, now it makes sense," James said, relieved.

_Hermione came tearing into the room, her cheeks flushed and her hair flying._

"She's bound to have gotten prefect, too," Sirius said.

"I'd be shocked if she hadn't," James agreed.

_There was an envelope in her hand._

"We were right," Sirius said.

"Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Padfoot," James said.

"If you need me to do it again, I'm right here."

"_That's everyone in the family!"_

"Not Fred and George," Remus pointed out.

"Thankfully," Sirius added.

"_Mum," said Ron hopefully, "can I have a new broom?"_

"Ooh, that's ambitious," James said, taken aback.

"Why? Don't you get one every time you impress your mother?" Lily asked.

"Yes, but I have a different financial background."

"Oh."

"Why is it that the wizard with more money can realize how difficult a new broom would be and not anyone else?"

"You're just a genius, Prongs," Remus said.

"Finally someone notices."

"_Brilliant. Prefect. Great."_

"Looks like someone's jealous," Remus said.

"No, Harry. Prefect equals bad. Don't be jealous," James advised.

Not this_, said a small and truthful voice inside his head._

"Oh no, he's hearing voices," Sirius said. "We need to get him some help."

"Alright, Padfoot, we'll get right on that," Remus said lazily.

----------

A/N: That's it for now. It's short… again, but it's in the middle of a long chapter and I want to leave enough for the second update.

Review.


	15. The Party

Title: Reading OoTP

I don't know what to say. That an EXTREMELY long time since I last updated… Sorry?... Anyway, I'll just get back to the story.

----------

_Did this make him as arrogant as Draco Malfoy?_

"NO!" James shouted, jumping out of his seat. "_Never_ think you're anything like that selfish brat."

"I can't believe he would think he was as bad as Malfoy," Sirius said. "He must _really_ feel guilty."

_Did he think himself superior to everyone else?_

"If you thought you were superior, you wouldn't feel guilty, Harry," Remus said logically.

_Did he really believe he was _better_ than Ron?_

"Of course not," James answered. "It's a normal reaction. As long as you think about it and realize you're wrong, which you have, then you're fine."

_I've definitely done more, _Harry thought indignantly, _I've done more than either of them!_

"… Okay, now we have a problem," James admitted.

_Was he, Harry… going to… ruin this for Ron, when, for the first time, he had beaten Harry at something?_

"You better not, Harry," Lily demanded. "Let him have his moment."

"_Just caught her!" he said happily. "She says she'll get the Cleansweep if she can."_

"Great!" James said enthusiastically. He could always appreciate the feeling of getting a newer and better broom.

_It took them most of the afternoon to retrieve their books and belongings from all over the house and stow them back inside their school trunks._

"That's it?" Sirius asked, incredulous.

"It normally takes us at least two days," James added.

"I don't know what they're complaining about."

"_Authority figures always attract trouble, but I suppose Dumbledore thinks you can withstand most major jinxes or he wouldn't have appointed you…"_

James started to laugh. "He's thinking too much like an auror. I have a feeling that there won't be too much trouble as a prefect."

"It's not funny. What if Ron believes it and gets scared?" Lily asked.

"That's exactly what makes it funny."

"_What about you, Sirius?"_ (Referring to becoming a prefect)

"Now, _that's_ funny," Lily said.

"I could be a prefect," Sirius said, offended.

"You want to be a prefect?"

"Not for all the galleons in the world… I'm just saying I could."

_Lupin was the good boy, he got the badge._

"Thanks, Padfoot," Remus said.

"That wasn't a compliment."

"_I think Dumbledore might have hoped that I would be able to exercise some control over my best friends," said Lupin. "I need scarcely say that I failed dismally."_

"And we all like you the better for it, mate," James said, patting Remus on the back.

_Mrs. Weasley and Bill were having their usual argument about Bill's hair._

"… _getting really out of hand,_

"I've heard that before," James commented.

_And you're so good-looking._

"I've heard that before, too."

"Yeah, when you look in a mirror," Lily said. James looked stunned.

"Good one, Lily," Remus said respectfully.

"_Venomous Tentacula seeds," said George._

"Ooh, I wonder what they use them for," Sirius said.

"Yeah, we've been trying to figure out how we can use them for years. There just haven't been any situations that call for a Venomous Tentacula."

"_We need them for the Skiving Snackboxes."_

"Well, that didn't help at all," Sirius announced.

"It's a shame," James agreed.

"_Dung likes his little joke," Fred said to Harry._

"_Yeah, his best one so far has been six Sickles for a bag of knarl quills." Said George._

"What?! How could he be so cheap?" James asked. Sirius shook his head angrily to show he agreed with James' outburst.

"I don't get it," Lily admitted.

"You don't want to. It's a slippery slope," Remus advised.

_Mundungus looked nervously over his shoulder._

"_Good point, that," he grunted. "All right, lads, ten it is, if you'll take 'em quick."_

"Seems Harry is quite the businessman," James said proudly. Lily buried her face in her hands.

"_Come here, I've got something that might interest you," he said._

"Uh oh. If Moody thinks its interesting…" James began, but trailed off.

"… Then it'll probably be a dark-wizard-catcher-thing." Sirius finished.

_From an inner pocket of his robes Moody pulled a very tattered old Wizarding photograph._

"That's not what I was expecting," Sirius said.

"Yes, we know. You said what you were expecting," Remus said coldly.

"_Original Order of the Phoenix," growled Moody._

"Wow… that is interesting," James said.

"Very," Remus agreed.

_His mother and father were beaming up at him._

"Yes, we're mentioned," James cheered, beaming as if he were the James in the picture.

_Harry recognized at once as Wormtail._

The smile disappeared.

… _he, Harry, found it disturbing…_

"I see his point," Lily said. "To see all those people smiling and laughing, not knowing that they'll die painful deaths, I'd be disturbed."

"Yeah, it is a bit strange," James agreed.

_Sprawled on the dusty old carpet in a patch of moonlight, clearly dead, was Ron._

"What?!" Sirius yelled in shock. "How?"

_But wait a moment, it _couldn't_ be – Ron was downstairs –_

"Oh… Wait, this still doesn't make sense."

"_R-r-riddikulus!"_

"Now it makes sense. I get it."

"Great," Remus said sarcastically.

_Pulling out his own wand he said, very firmly and clearly, "Riddikulus!"_

"Way to be a hero, Moony," James praised.

"Thanks."

"_First sign of madness, talking to your own head," said a sly voice from the empty picture on the wall._

"Oh no, he's hearing voices again," James frowned.

"And that is so not true… that's the second rule of madness," Sirius corrected.

"What's the first?" Lily asked.

"… I don't want to talk about it."

_It seemed extraordinary to him that barely an hour ago he had been worried about a joke shop and who had gotten a prefect's badge._

"That's it. That's the end." James announced.

"Of the whole book?" Sirius asked.

"No."

"Then I don't know why you stopped."

"Chapter Ten: _Luna Lovegood…_"

----------

A/N: There you go. The long awaited chapter. Again, sorry for the wait. I don't know what happened. But the reviews that I got forced me to sit down and _finally_ write this chapter, so make sure you don't stop reviewing or I might never update again…


	16. Meet Ms Lovegood

Title: Reading OoTP

I'm not even going to address the 6 month wait. Sorry.

And yes I did almost give up on this story. And I might still do it. I'm getting kinda tired of the plot. Just warning you.

--

_Mrs. Weasley sobbed over Kreacher's dead body watched by Ron and Hermione, who were wearing crowns, and yet again Harry found himself walking down a corridor ending in a locked door._

"Harry, you have got to stop having so many confusing dreams," Sirius said, trying to follow as James read.

"Sirius, you know he can't hear you right?" Remus asked.

"Well then I should go tell him."

"You do that."

"I'll think about it."

_Fred and George had bewitched their trunks to fly downstairs to save the bother of carrying them, with the result that they had hurtled straight into Ginny._

"Don't worry, it comes with practice," James said to the book.

"_But now Mad-Eye's complaining that we can't leave unless Sturgis Podmore's here, otherwise the guard will be one short."_

"Why, is Sturgis that tall?" Sirius asked.

"That's not funny," Remus said.

"Who made a joke?"

"_I thought Voldemort was supposed to be lying low, or are you telling me he's going to jump out from behind a dustbin to try and do me in?"_

"Well, it'd have to be a really big dustbin," James noted.

"Yes, I think _that_ was what Harry's point was," Remus said. "Thank you for clarifying."

"It's hard to speak as eloquently as I do."

_(When Sirius tries to go with Harry to King's Cross)_

"_Oh, for heaven's sake, Sirius, Dumbledore said no!"_

"It was James's fault!" Sirius reacted immediately when he was scolded in the book.

"Thank you, Sirius. I do appreciate when you blame me for things I didn't do," James said sarcastically.

"And that's why I continue to do it."

_A bearlike black dog had appeared at Harry's side as Harry clambered over the various trunks cluttering the hall to get to Mrs. Weasley._

"Oh please, mummy. Can't I go? Can't I go?" Sirius pleaded like a child.

"_Oh honestly…" said Mrs. Weasley despairingly, "well, on your own head be it!"_

"Yes!" Sirius shouted. "I can finally leave the house."

"You were never actually stuck in it. Only in the book," Remus pointed out.

"Sympathy pains."

…_lolloping black dog beside Harry._

"Lolloping?" Sirius asked. "I don't think I'm lolloping."

James looked him up and down and concluded, "He is lolloping, isn't he, Moony?"

"Very lolloping."

"I am _not_ lolloping," Sirius stated.

"You are a little lolloping," Lily added, feeling the need to enter the conversation.

This seemed to crack Sirius's firm opinion. "Well this change of events requires some serious introspection."

_The great black dog gave a joyful bark and gamboled around them, snapping at pigeons, and chasing its own tail._

Remus looked at Sirius and raised an eyebrow.

"What? We all have different ways to entertain ourselves."

"_Nice dog, Harry!" called a tall boy with dreadlocks._

"Thank you," said Sirius.

"_Thanks, Lee,"_

"Of course. Trust Lee Jordan to compliment another troublemaker," Lily said.

_said Harry, grinning, as Sirius wagged his tail frantically._

"Hey, I just realized that I've been in the story a lot lately," Sirius said to Remus. "Guess who hasn't."

"I'll be back. Don't worry."

"With _you_ as my competition, I'll never worry."

"_Well, look after yourselves," said Lupin, shaking hands all round. He reached Harry last and gave him a clap on the shoulder. "You too, Harry. Be careful."_

"Looks like I'm back," Remus said triumphantly.

"I noticed you reached Harry last. Is he not good enough to be first?" Sirius said, trying to find away to keep his feeble lead.

"Yeah well, guess who can actually _talk_ to Harry."

"Ooh, that was cold."

_For one brief moment, the great black dog reared onto its hind legs and placed its front paws on Harry's shoulders, but Mrs. Weasley shoved Harry away toward the train door hissing, "For heaven's sake act more like a dog, Sirius!"_

"Sometimes I wish he acted more like a human," Remus muttered.

_And then they turned the corner, and Sirius was gone._

"Well that was ominous. "_Sirius was gone_"? Can't they say it a little more pleasantly?" Sirius asked. "It's not like I'm going to die."

"So you think," James said.

"_Well," said Fred, clapping his hands together, "can't stand around chatting all day, we've got business to discuss with Lee. See you later."_

"Business? What business?" James said, perking up to this news.

"I wish we could hear what they're planning," Sirius said.

"So do I."

"_There's room in this one, there's only Loony Lovegood in here-"_

"Well that's not a nice thing to say about someone," Lily said.

"How do you know that's not her actual name?" Sirius asked.

"The chapter title is _Luna_ Lovegood."

"I don't see how that's relevant."

_The girl beside the window looked up. She had straggly, waist-length, dirty-blond hair, very pale eyebrows, and protuberant eyes that gave her a permanently surprised look._

"Can't picture it," Sirius stated.

"That's too bad," Remus said, looking concerned for a second, and then, "Deal with it."

_The girl gave off an aura of distinct dottiness. Perhaps because she had stuck her wand behind her left ear for safekeeping, or that she had chosen to wear a necklace of butterbeer caps, or that she was reading a magazine upside down._

"I read magazines upside down. Who doesn't?" Sirius asked.

"Those that actually read magazines," James answered.

"Well that explains it."

"You're_ Harry Potter," she added._

"_I know I am," said Harry._

"Well that's good. I was starting to think he had forgotten," Remus said.

"_Luna's in… Ravenclaw."_

"Oh no. Not Ravenclaw," James said.

"Very unfortunate," Sirius agreed.

"What's the matter?" Lily asked.

"It's not Gryffindor," James said simply.

"Clearly. So what?"

"Well, no Ravenclaw will ever be able to be of use in a battle were it to come to one."

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that."

"_Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure," said Luna in a singsong voice._

"I beg to differ," Sirius said.

"_Mimbulus mimbletonia," he said proudly._

"What?" James said.

"I think he sneezed," Sirius suggested.

"Must have."

_(The stinksap)_

_Liquid squirted from every boil on the plant, thick, stinking, dark green jets of it._

"That sounds familiar," James said, pretending to think. "I vaguely remember something like that happening to me."

"I think you're imagining things," Lily said.

"No, I don't think I am."

"…_Don't worry, though, Stinksap's not poisonous," he added nervously, as Harry spat a mouthful onto the floor._

"I had to learn that the hard way," James mumbled. "Could have just told me, but no, I had to _experience_ it."

"_Oh…hello, Harry," said a nervous voice. "Um…bad time?"_

"You think?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

_A very pretty girl with long, shiny black hair was standing in the doorway smiling at him; Cho Chang, the seeker of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team._

"Uh oh," James said. "Really bad timing."

"I do not envy Harry right now," Sirius added.

"_Um…" said Cho. "well…just thought I'd say hello…'bye then."_

"Well that could have ended worse," Remus admitted.

"Especially with Harry's luck," James agreed.

"_And guess who's a Slytherin prefect?" said Ron, still with his eyes closed._

"_Malfoy."_

"I can't believe he would be picked," Lily said.

"I can. He's a Malfoy. Plain and simple," James explained.

"But they can't just pick him because of that."

"Sure they can. Always have and always will."

_(About Padma and Ron's time at the Yule Ball)_

"_She didn't enjoy it much," Luna informed him. "she doesn't think you treated her very well, because you wouldn't dance with her. I don't think I'd have minded."_

"Why? Is it because she _loves_ Ron?" Sirius said.

"Padfoot, you know you're teasing a book, right?" Remus asked.

"Does it really matter?"

"_I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing," said Ron happily._

"That's the spirit Ron," Sirius cheered.

"Maybe it wasn't the worst thing that he was made a prefect," James mused.

"Not by a long shot."

"_I…must…not…look…like…a…baboon's…backside…"_

James and Sirius fell out of their chairs with laughter.

"That's not nice," Lily instinctively said.

James raised his eyebrows.

"Alright, maybe he does deserve it a little.

_Everybody laughed, but nobody laughed harder than Luna Lovegood._

"That's because she loves him," Sirius stated simply.

_(In _The Quibbler_)_

_**SIRIUS BLACK: Villain or Victim?**_

"Finally someone is telling the truth," Sirius said, relieved.

_**SIRIUS – Black As He's Painted?**_

_**Notorious Mass Murderer OR Innocent Singing Sensation?**_

"WHAT?!" Sirius burst out. "… Excuse me, James. What are you laughing at?"

"I just got really funny image in my head."

"_The man people believe to be Sirius Black is actually Stubby Boardman, lead singer of the popular singing group The Hobgoblins, who retired after being struck in the ear by a turnip."_

Sirius covered his face in his hands as the other three roared with laughter.

"_Fudge is always talking about the goblins he's had done in… he's had them cooked in pies…"_

"Now there's something we can all believe in," Remus said sarcastically. "Cornelius Fudge: Best pie chef this side of England. Secret Ingredient: Still unknown."

_According to the magazine, if you turned the runes on their heads they revealed a spell to make your enemy's ears turn into kumquats._

"Well now I have to see if it works," James said and a copy of _The Quibbler_ appeared on the table. James picked it up, flipped to the page, turned it upside down, and observed.

"Does it work?" Sirius asked.

"How am I supposed to know? All I've done is look at a picture."

_(After Hermione insults _The Quibbler_)_

"_My father's the editor."_

"Ouch," Sirius winced.

_(Malfoy speaking)_

"_I'll be _dogging_ your footsteps in case you step out of line."_

"Interesting choice of phrasing," Remus said, eyes wide.

"Don't worry, Moony," James reassured. "He can't know."

_(Harry's first time seeing the Thestrals)_

_The coaches were no longer horseless._

"What?" Sirius asked.

"I dunno, they've always been horseless," James said, equally confused.

"Maybe it's a new thing they're trying out."

"Yeah, but they probably won't be that important, so let's stop worrying about it," Remus interrupted.

"_What horse things?"_

"_The horse things pulling the carriages!"_

"_What are you talking about?"_

"Uh oh. Harry's seeing things _and_ hearing things," Sirius said. "Not a good combination."

"Oh really, Sirius? I was under the impression it was a great combination," Remus said.

"You were wrong."

"_You're not going mad or anything, I can see them too."_

"Oh, good," Lily said, letting out a breath.

"But is it a good thing that Luna can see them. She's a little strange."

"Anyone seeing them is a good thing."

"_You're just as sane as I am."_

James looked at Lily.

"Well maybe that's not a good thing."

_Smiling faintly, she climbed into the musty interior of the carriage after Ron. Not altogether reassured, Harry followed her._

"That's the end," James announced.

"Then begin a new chapter," Sirius said immediately.

"I'll consider it."


	17. Halloween Festivities Pt 1

Title: Reading OoTP

Thomas Davies, though seemingly an outgoing and courageous boy, felt the full pressures of being a first-year student at Hogwarts. He was shy among strangers and deeply frightened by the date. It was October 31st and Halloween had always scared him out of his wits. In the safety of his dormitory, his stomach growled and dinner could no longer be avoided. With great trepidation he walked to the Great Hall and expected nothing less than sheer Halloween terror. At the doors, he summoned the last of his courage and entered the room.

Candles floated in midair and eerily illuminated the Great Hall, giving the room a haunted feeling. Ghosts of the castle drifted by the tables, chatting lightly with the students and adding to the overall Halloween atmosphere. On each of the four house tables lay platters of the most delectable foods that could be gathered in one place and goblets overflowed with pumpkin juice. Thomas found a fellow first-year and headed to an open spot at the Ravenclaw table. He ignored the small box directly in front of his plate and began to dig into the food. The school had never ceased to amaze his young mind and the box was probably just another of its secrets. His fears had gone away and now he could only think of the desserts to come.

"No, no. You've got it all wrong, Michael," Thomas was explaining confidently. "Charms is not just meant to-"

But Thomas Davies stopped talking and gasped, along with most of the Great Hall. The floating candles had all at once blown out and fallen to ground. Some fell into the main course and ruined the feast and some simply hit a student square on the head. But the prevailing effect was total darkness, interrupted only by the moonlight shining through the majestic windows.

"What was that?!"

"Where did the lights go?"

"What happened?"

"Lumos."

"Ouch, my head!"

As the whispering began to increase and the confusion reached its peak, the light from the window changed and the room dimmed suddenly. Every head turned its attention to the great windows in the wall and every eye widened simultaneously. A giant dog, glaring silently into the room, stood black against the night. The image of the grim had been painted to the windows and blocked out incoming light. A collective shudder circled around the room and several people shrieked.

Thomas stared at the dog, terrified and shaking, but couldn't look away. He knew Halloween would end badly and now he had seen the omen. It could only mean his death. He fumbled around the table for his goblet, hands shaking uncontrollably and knocking over side dishes as he searched.

A giant, brilliant red light burst forth from out of thin air directly in front his right hand. His eyes snapped forward and his teeth chattered in fright. The light quickly vanished and Thomas was left staring into the darkness. Suddenly, the box he had ignored earlier burst into a thousand bright lights and sent sparks shooting around the room. Yellow, orange, green, red, and blue sparks shot into the air and zoomed around, lighting the pitch-black Great Hall and revealing the shocked expressions on every face. Pink and purple sparks flew at Thomas Davies, who had to dive to the floor in order to avoid serious burns. Silver and gold sparks mingled with all the lights in the room and danced about with pleasure.

Clapping erupted among the students and frightened whispering began to resurface as the sparks sizzled out. Everyone turned their heads to Thomas, as the lights had originated from the box in front of him. Most stared at him with awe and wondered who he even was.

"That was amazing!"

"What did you do?"

"Why did you do that?"

"_How_ did you do that?"

The professors ignited the candles and cleaned the windows in order to settle the crowd. Throughout the Great Hall noise had returned and people began to talk normally again, marveling at the show they had just seen.

Sirius had darkened the room and painted the windows. Remus had used the tense atmosphere and exploded his box with perfect timing. But James and Lily still had yet to pull off their pranks and have their fun. If Hogwarts thought that the meal's events were over, they were in for a surprise.

* * *

A/N: I am totally ignoring the fact that I haven't updated for over a year. To be honest, I did give up on the story and fully see myself continuing that.

Also, this is an admittedly TINY chapter. It's not even all of what I wanted to put into it, but it's like 6:30 in the morning and I'm really tired. Hopefully I'll finish it tomorrow (later today).

Lastly, I have a possible idea for Lily's prank but remain clueless for James, so I'm still accepting suggestions.


	18. Halloween Festivites Pt 2

Title: Reading OoTP

"I assume the window prank was yours, Padfoot," James said matter-of-factly.

"How'd you know?"

"You like dogs. Who else would paint a giant picture of themselves?" Remus asked.

"James," Lily answered.

"Yeah, speaking of that…" James started, but was cut off by four sudden popping noises.

Every student looked up in the air to the source of the noises. The giant banners displaying the names of the houses and their respective seals had emitted the strange sounds. Instead of their usual designs, they had all changed to a bright tint of pink. Each had reshaped itself to form a large heart in place of the normal rectangle. But the shocking part of the whole scene was that the banners now displayed a huge picture of James Potter, beaming out to the Hogwarts students. Below his picture was a caption in a curvy, script font with purple ink. It read:

"**James Potter: Hopeless Romantic.**"

Every student in the Great Hall burst into a roaring and uncontrollable laughter. Even the professors could be seen chuckling softly at the banners. Wizards and witches across the room called out to James.

"Nice Valentine's Day card, James."

"Wrong holiday, Potter."

"Finally admit it, do you?"

"I always knew it, Prongs," Remus added. "Glad you can finally be open about yourself to the rest of the world."

"Not funny, Moony," James responded..

"Of course it is," Lily said.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked very seriously.

"Yes, Padfoot?"

"Why would you do that to yourself?"

"I didn't do that! Why would I want to do that to myself?"

"But we were talking about giant pictures of ourselves and you said 'speaking of that', and then the banners changed."

"Stange coincidence."

"But it's too much of a coincidence, don't you think?"

"Yes. Yes, it is…Maybe I did do it."

"Well, get back to me when you figure it out."

"Will do."

"Lily?" Remus started, with an approving look on his face. "You wouldn't happen to have bewitched the banners to say that, would you?"

"Of course not. I just made them tell the truth," Lily said, grinning wildly.

"But I thought Prongs did it," Sirius said, confused.

Before anyone could set Sirius straight, James cursed loudly.

"What's wrong. James?" Lily asked, concerned.

"Him," James answered, staring over her shoulder to the figure walking quickly towards their section of the table.

"Hey, Moony, great prank," Peter Pettigrew announced as he arrived. "I assume that was you that charmed the banners. But I thought we weren't doing any pranks this year because we didn't get together and discuss it."

"That's because you weren't invited to participate this year, Peter," James said angrily.

"What's the matter with you today?"

"Forget it, just go away."

"But-"

"Go away, Peter!"

"That was a little harsh, don't you think?" Remus commented as Peter walked off to the other side of the Great Hall, head bowed in shame.

"No, I don't."

Just as he finished speaking, the candles blew out for the second time during the meal. Several instinctive shrieks rang out through the silence that followed. This time the temperature in the room dropped twenty degrees and a strong wind whistled through the air. Huge curtains covered the windows and the Great Hall was plunged into pitch blackness. Frightened murmuring began rushing throughout the room as the students stood still in shock. Through the far walls glided all the ghosts of the castle. Their transparent forms were illuminated by a single candle that suddenly reignited. They were lined up in a single and frightening row and advanced slowly towards the students. The entire Great Hall was stiff with fear and stared unblinking at the scene in front of them. The Bloody Baron, the ghost in the middle, slowly reached his hand out towards a Hufflepuff girl closest to him. He was inches from touching her when –

BANG! A booming noise burst through the air while a flashing white light lit up the room and sizzled out, leaving a solitary word… "Boo!"

Half the room screamed in terror and several first-years ran out of the Great Hall, leaving their Halloween feast unfinished.

"Ok, James," Remus admitted, in awe, "you win."

"Thank you, Moony."

"Wait a minute," Sirius said, "Lily was supposed to have the best prank. It's in the Marauder Codes."

"Well it wasn't the best," James answered, "but even I have to admit that it was well executed. Definitely good enough for a first time prank. We'll waive Marauder Code #46 for her."

"But…but-"

"Just this time, Sirius."

"Oh fine, but we better get back to the book soon. I'm getting bored with dinner now that there's no pranks left."


	19. Back to Hogwarts

Title: Reading OotP

"_Hagrid can't have left, can he?"_

"_I'll be quite glad if he has" said Luna. "He isn't a very good teacher, is he?"_

"That girl better hold her tongue, if she knows what's good for her," Sirius fumed.

_Harry glared at Hermione; she cleared her throat and quickly said "Erm … yes … he's very good."_

"Oh no, not you, too," James sighed.

"_Well, we think he's a bit of a joke in Ravenclaw," said Luna, unfazed._

"The nerve on that girl," Sirius said. "She's quickly becoming my least favorite of the lot."

"Well she is in Ravenclaw," James reasoned.

"I should hardly think that makes a difference," Remus chimed in.

"It makes all the difference."

_Luna did not seem perturbed by Ron's rudeness; on the contrary, she simply watched him for a while as though he were a mildly interesting television program._

"Sounds like Ron's found himself a not-so-secret admirer," Sirius chuckled.

"I thought you didn't like her," Remus countered.

"I just know a little something about girls swooning."

"Not without some sort of charm," Remus muttered to himself.

"What was that?"

"I said it's probably because of your charm."

"Naturally."

_If Luna was to be believed, the beasts had always been there but invisible; why, then, could Harry suddenly see them, and why could Ron not?_

"Maybe he has gone mad," Sirius proposed.

"Potters never go mad. We're a strong race."

"Maybe he is mad," Remus agreed. "And I wouldn't blame him, either, considering his lineage."

"Excuse me?" Lily questioned.

"Not you, Lily. You're perfectly sane."

"That's right she is," James defended. "Hey wait a minute!"

_The entrance hall was ablaze with torches and echoing with footsteps and the students crossed the flagged stone floor for the double doors to the right, leading to the Great Hall and the start-of-term feast._

"I'm hungry again."

"Sirius, we just ate ten minutes ago," Lily answered, shocked.

"It was more like twelve minutes ago."

"That's only two more minutes."

"One must satisfy his hunger as soon as it appears, no matter how unreasonable the hour of day," Sirius recited. "Code #15."

"That's a Marauder Code?"

"No, that's a Sirius Black Code," Remus offered.

"And it's the best one, by far," Sirius agreed.

_Again Harry noticed people putting their heads together to whisper as he passed; he gritted his teeth and tried to act as though he neither noticed nor cared._

"If these people don't stop it, I'll put their heads together for them!" James threatened.

"Well that's awfully kind of you, James." Remus approved.

"Not how I meant it, Moony."

_He was looking over the students' heads to the staff table that ran along the top wall of the Hall._

"_He's not there."_

"Oh no!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically. "Now he's NOT seeing things. Prongs, mate, this is more serious than we originally imagined.

"_Who's _that_?" she said sharply, pointing toward the middle of the staff table._

"Oh good, Hermione is seeing things, too." Sirius sighed. "That makes me feel better."

"Would you stop assuming things and let us get on with the book?" Remus interrupted.

"Well that doesn't seem likely, now does it?"

"_It's that Umbridge woman!"_

"Oh no! That's horrible," Lily cried. "Why would they let her into the school?"

"Dumbledore has been rather odd lately," Remus agreed. "But I'm sure she is an excellent teacher."

_His attention had just been caught by Professor Grubbly-Plank who had just appeared behind the staff table; she worked her way along to the very end and took the seat that ought to have been Hagrid's._

"Ok this situation had gotten out of hand now," James declared. "Someone ought to find out what's going on with Hagrid."

"I'll make a formal inquiry with Ministry," Remus answered sarcastically.

"You think that will really work?" Sirius asked genuinely.

"It's got to," James said. "Moony wouldn't lie."

_**(Sorting Hat song)**__ For our Hogwarts is in danger/ From external, deadly foes/ And we must unite insider her/ Or we'll crumble from within/ I have told you, I have warned you… / Let the Sorting now begin._

"That's not what the Sorting Hat usually sings about," Lily commented.

"I for one like its honesty," Sirius stated. "I think it's high time we started teaching the first years not to trust Slytherins."

"I doubt that's what it meant to do," Remus said.

"Well that's how it sounded to me."

"_The hat feels itself honor-bound to give the school due warning whenever it feels -"_

"Feels what?" Sirius shouted. "Whenever it feels what?"

"I dunno," James answered. "It says that Nick was cut off."

"Then make something up."

"Ok. Whenever it feels 'mischievous.'"

"Ah, that makes sense."

"_GRYFFINDOR!"_

"Good man!" James shouted, cheering as if he had been at the Gryffindor table during the Sorting.

"Welcome to the House," Sirius added to the book.

_In the pauses between the names and the Sorting Hat's decisions, Harry could hear Ron's stomach rumbling loudly._

"Sounds about right," Remus groaned, glaring at Sirius.

"_Yes, I have heard the hat give several warnings before, always at times when it detects periods of great danger for the school."_

"I liked James' way better," Sirius confirmed.

"Mischief always trumps danger."

"_And it wants all the Houses to be friends?" said Harry, looking over at the Slytherin table, where Draco Malfoy was holding court. "Fat chance."_

"Who's Chance and why is she so fat?" Sirius asked.

"Harry should be more lenient to Slytherin," Remus said, ignoring the ridiculous question.

"No he shouldn't," James shot back.

"Just because of a few bad students doesn't mean that the whole house is evil."

"Sirius, you seem to winning the contest against Remus. Congratulations."

"That's not fair!"

"Tough."

"_Peaceful cooperation, that's the key."_

"See? Nick agrees," Remus pointed out.

"Well he's losing, too," James grumbled.

_Ron's mouth was packed to exploding point again and all he could manage was "node iddum eentup sechew."_

"That should sort it out," Sirius said.

"But that was nonsense," Lily answered. "No one could ever know what he said."

"He said that he didn't mean to upset him. I'm rather experienced with talking while eating."

"It's the talking while NOT eating that we're still trying to teach him," Remus added.

_Eat his way steadily through his steak-and-kidney pie, then a large plateful of his favorite treacle._

"That sounds great. I think I'll have the room provide some for us," Sirius announced.

"You have to learn to stop interrupting the book every time that you get hungry," Remus said.

"As Harry would say, 'Overweight Chance.'"

"_We are delighted to introduce Professor Umbridge, our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."_

"They can't!" Lily shouted.

"Give her a chance, she may be quite knowledgeable," Remus said.

"How many chances does she get?"

"At least the students will be safe this year with a trained Ministry worker at the school."

_Professor Umbridge said, _"Hem, hem,"_ and it became clear that she had got to her feet and was intending to make a speech._

"She's interrupting the headmaster at opening night feast!" James screamed in shock. "That's punishable by an Unforgivable Curse."

"While it is unusual, I hardly think that an Unforgivable Curse is the proper answer," Lily reasoned. "I'm sure she would never use such a curse herself."

'_Harry found his attentiveness ebbing, as though his brain was slipping in and out of tune._

"I'm shocked he made it this long," Sirius said. "I stopped listening to James read somewhere after the first word."

"So did I," James agreed.

"But you were reading it," Lily said.

"Only out loud."

"_Sounded like a load of waffle to me."_

"Ooh, waff -"

"Shut up, Sirius."

"_It means the Ministry's interfering at Hogwarts."_

"Where did she get that from?" James asked.

"Didn't you listen to the speech at all?" Remus said.

"Are we back to that again? I thought we went over this."

"Well how does she know, Moony?" Sirius asked.

"Because Umbridge seems to think that progress is bad and that old traditional ways that the Ministry supports are to be standard."

"I'm sorry, I stopped paying attention again."

"_Hey – hey you lot! Midgets!"_

"I've decided I like Ron having the Prefect's badge," Sirius announced.

"Glad to hear you've come around," Remus nodded in approval.

"I think he'll do some wonderful things with it," he answered with a mischievous smile.

"_Well," he said in a measured voice, "I suppose … because of you."_

"Now Seamus is starting to believe the lies about Harry," Remus said. "Is no one left to trust him?"

"Oh he'll start trusting Harry if he doesn't want me to come into that book and make him," Sirius threatened.

"I doubt he's worried too much about that."

_Mrs. Finnigan had no idea, the stupid woman, he thought savagely._

"Good for you, Harry. Don't be nice to the people that don't trust you," James encouraged.

"_You believe all the rubbish he's come out with about You-Know-Who, do you, you reckon he's telling the truth?"_

"_Yeah, I do!" said Ron angrily._

"At Harry still has one friend," James said relieved.

"Can always count on Ron for support," Sirius agreed.

"_My gran says that's rubbish," piped up Neville. … "We believe Harry."_

"Good for you, Neville," Remus said. "It seems Harry does have more than his two best friends left."

_Was it anger at Harry, perhaps, that had stopped Dumbledore getting in touch with him for months?_

"Maybe that's it," James said.

"That doesn't sound like Dumbledore. Just to ignore Harry because of the Wizengamot," Remus countered.

"Who knows anymore?"

_But he wondered how many attacks like Seamus's he would have to endure before that time came._

"Hopefully not many," Lily said, concerned.

"That's the end of the chapter," James announced. "Don't worry, Sirius, I know what to do. Chapter Twelve, _Professor Umbridge_."

"Er, maybe we shouldn't keep reading," Sirius suggested.

"Well that's a turn of events. Why not?"

"I don't want to find out what Umbridge's chapter will be about."

"Too bad, I'm continuing anyway."


	20. First Day of Classes

Title: Reading OotP

_**Gallons of Galleons!**_

_**Pocket money failing to keep pace with your outgoings? Like to earn a little extra gold?**_

_**Contract Fred and George Weasley, Gryffindor common room, for simple, part-time, virtually painless jobs.**_

"This sounds exciting," Sirius announced. "Anything with the twins is guaranteed to entertain."

"Virtually painless? How can something be virtually painless?" Lily asked.

"It can't," Remus answered.

_**(We regret that all work is undertaken at applicant's own risk.)**_

"I volunteer," James declared. "I'm used to risks."

"Good luck with that," Lily said sarcastically.

"Hey don't mock him. It may be the only time he ever strives to get a job," Remus reasoned. "Good for you, James. You chase your dreams."

_Angelina: "We need a new Keeper now Oliver's left. Tryouts are Friday at five o'clock and I want the whole team there, all right?"_

"Ooh, I want to –_"_ James started.

"Try out. Yes, we know," Remus interrupted. "You really have to understand the impossibility of accomplishing some of these goals."

"We're reading a series of books that tells our future and features the son I never had. What were you saying about impossibilities?"

"I seem to have forgotten."

"_History of Magic, double Potions, Divination, and double Defense Against the Dark Arts … Binns, Snape, Trelawney, and that Umbridge woman all in one day!"_

"That's illegal!" Sirius shouted.

"It's a mistake!" James agreed. "Fix it immediately."

"That sounds about right," Remus stated.

Sirius glared at him. "I don't even know you anymore."

"_Because you'll be bleeding till you shrivel up, we haven't got an antidote yet."_

"Does it get you out of class?" Sirius asked.

"Well, I suppose –_"_ Remus began.

"Then I'll take one."

"But there's no way to stop the bleeding. You could die!"

"Worth it."

"_You got, what was it, three O.W.L.s each?" said Ron._

"Good men," James congratulated.

"_Yep," said Fred unconcernedly. "But we feel our futures lie outside the world of academic achievement."_

"Now that's a true Marauder answer," James said.

"Well I wouldn't say that," Remus disagreed.

"That's why we do the talking."

"_We're not going to waste out last year here, though," said Fred… "We're going to use it to do a bit of market research, find out exactly what the average Hogwarts student requires … and produce the products to fit the demand."_

"See? They don't need to go to class or give up their knack for mischief to be successful." James commented. "They're natural businessmen."

"Yes but they still need Hogwarts to gain that market research," Remus countered.

"Hey, you haven't seen us stop going to school, just not trying at all while we're there," Sirius said.

"_Well, it'd be cool to be an Auror," said Ron in an offhand voice._

"You don't have to be ashamed of that, Ron," James consoled. "That's at least a noble profession that dedicates their life to fighting evil."

"Plus it's a lot cooler than Professional Skiving Snackbox Tester as James aspires to be," Remus said.

"I heard that!"

"I said it right to you."

"Oh."

"_I mean, if I could take S.P.E.W. further …"_

"Oh not again," Sirius grumbled.

"I'm getting a headache from rolling my eyes so hard," James added.

"_We just haven't got your brains or your memory or your concentration – you're just cleverer than we are."_

"Just like you, Lily," James attempted to flatter.

"Oh, shut up, James. I'm trying to listen to the story."

_At least you're not covered in Stinksap this time._

"I know the feeling, Harry," James said as he glared at Lily.

"_Is that a Tornados badge?"_

"How dare she!" James roared.

"Ok, calm down already with this Quidditch talk. Even I'm getting bored of it," Sirius pleaded.

"_Who _cares_ if she supports the Tornados?"_

"Who cares?! … Ok, I'll stop now."

_She had definitely chosen to talk to him, and that made the second time in two days …_

"Sounds like Cho has a little thing for Harry," Remus stated.

"Aw, that's cute," Lily said. "They seem great for each other."

"I'll be the judge of that," James answered as he narrowed his eyes.

_Harry glared back, feeling grim pleasure at the idea that he would be able to give up Potions after fifth year._

"Why grim pleasure? That should be joyous celebration," Sirius commented.

_Snape: "I know you did, Potter, which means that this mess is utterly worthless."_

"Harry should just take the cauldron and flip it onto Snape for that comment," James suggested.

"That's not fair," Lily defended.

"Neither is Snape's treatment of Harry."

"_What d'you reckon that means?"_

"_Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something."_

"Never do that Ron," Sirius advised. "It's a bad idea. Learn from my mistakes."

"And when have you ever been eaten by a marshmallow?" Remus inquired.

"I said a giant marshmallow. Regular marshmallows are harmless."

_Professor Umbridge was, as yet, an unknown quantity and nobody knew yet how strict a disciplinarian she was likely to be._

"I do hope she isn't too harsh," Lily said.

"Seems unlikely," James answered, shaking his head.

"_We will be following a carefully structured, theory-centered, Ministry-approved course of defensive magic this year."_

"Oh, that _does_ sound fun, doesn't it?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"Hm, that is a bit unusual for Defense Against the Dark Arts," Remus pondered aloud. "Other classes I could see, but this is strange."

"If Moony's against it, then you know it's bad," James stated, worried.

_Hermione had not even opened her copy of _Defensive Magical Theory.

"Finally coming around, is she?" Sirius said. "Took long enough."

"_I do not wish to criticize the way things have been run in this school," she said, an unconvincing smile stretching her wide mouth,_

"Sounds like she does," Sirius interjected.

"_but you have been exposed to some very irresponsible wizards in this class, very irresponsible indeed – not to mention," she gave a nasty little laugh, "extremely dangerous half-breeds."_

"How could she!"

"Half-breeds!"

"Extremely dangerous?!"

"Moony, mate, how could you just stay silent on this?" James asked, concerned.

"Not the first time I've heard that before. People that don't know the truth will believe the worst."

"_If you mean Professor Lupin," piped up Dean Thomas angrily, "he was the best we ever –"_

"Thank you, Dean, I appreciate that immensely."

"See, Moony, you have a fan base," James said.

"And it appears a bigger one than Sirius does. Am I winning yet?"

"Never," Sirius answered.

"_And what good's theory going to be in the real world?" said Harry loudly._

"That is a good point," Lily commented. "I believe that studying is important, but practice is necessary, too."

"This Umbridge woman is out of control," James murmured.

"_Maybe Lord Voldemort?"_

_Ron gasped; Lavender Brown uttered a little scream; Neville slipped sideways off his stool._

"How does speaking a name force Neville to fall off of his chair?" James asked. "It just doesn't seem like the proper response."

"Maybe Harry yelled it at him," Sirius offered.

"_It is NOT a lie!" said Harry. "I saw him, I fought him!"_

"_Detention, Mr. Potter!"_

"What'd I do?" James reacted immediately. "Oh, wait, she means Harry."

"How could she give detention for telling the truth?" Lily asked. "That's an abuse of her power."

"I don't think she cares much about fairness, Lily," Remus answered.

"Prongs, mate, how come you thought that she meant you for detention. You're the one reading the book out loud?" Sirius pointed out.

"Anytime I hear those words, I just assume."

_McGonagall: "Do you really think this is about truth or lies? It's about keeping your head down and your temper under control!"_

"Easier said than done," James lamented.

"If he takes after his father, then McGonagall's advice is about to be promptly ignored," Remus stated.

"Let's hope he takes after his father, then," Sirius said.

"_Well, I'm glad you listen to Hermione Granger at any rate," she said, pointing him out of her office._

"Aren't we all," Remus said.

"That's the end of the chapter," James announced. "And what an interesting chapter it was."

"I'm not sure I want to find out what Umbridge's detentions will be," Lily said.

"Well, too bad, because the name of the next chapter is _Detention with Dolores_."

"Oh well, we might as well get it over with and just read the chapter."

"Chapter Thirteen…"


	21. Detention Week

Reading OotP

"Before we get started, I'd like to note that the picture at the beginning of the chapter is very creepy. It seems to be the back of Harry's hand with the words 'I must not tell lies' written in ink. Almost like he's been writing on himself," James stated.

"Do you think that's his punishment in detention?" Lily asked.

"I dunno, but if it is then that's really not that bad. Ink comes out."

_Ron looked sadly at his half-finished apple pie but followed suit._

"Well that's just a waste of perfectly good food!" Sirius exclaimed.

"It's his fault for not having finished it faster," James said.

"_I know it is Harry, so will you _please_ stop biting my head off?"_

"How exactly does one recover from the first instance of head-biting?" Remus pondered.

"They have potions these days," Sirius replied.

_One by one, as though hit over the heads with invisible mallets, the first years were slumping unconscious in their seats; some slid right onto the floor, others merely hung over the arms of their chairs, their tongues lolling out._

"Ha. Kinda sounds like Sirius as a dog," James joked.

"Kinda sounds like Sirius right now," Remus corrected.

"The Fainting Fancies seem like they work," Sirius said, hastily switching topics.

"I'd buy one," James agreed.

"You'd buy anything," Remus countered.

"Good point."

"_I told you this morning, you can't test your rubbish on students!"_

"Who else would they test it on?" Sirius asked.

"The professors," James answered with a grin.

"_We're paying them!" said Fred indignantly._

"Seems fair enough," Sirius supported.

"But it's still illegal," Remus reasoned.

"They knew what they were getting into."

"Did they?"

"Potentially."

"_No," she said, her voice quivering with anger, "but I will write to your mother."_

"How dare she?" Sirius shouted.

"Now _that's_ illegal," James fumed.

"And productive," Remus smirked.

"_Maybe," said Malfoy in an undertone, so that only Harry could hear him, "the stupid great oaf's got himself badly injured."_

"_Maybe you will if you don't shut up," said Harry out of the side of his mouth._

"Good boy, Harry," put him in his place," Sirius encouraged.

"Why stop at threatening? I say he does something about it," James suggested.

"James!"

"Sorry, Lily."

"Now_ he remembers!" snarled Angelina. "Didn't I yell you I wanted to do a tryout with the _whole team, _and find someone who _fitted in with everyone?_ Didn't I tell you I'd booked the Quidditch pitch specially? And now you've decided you're not going to be there!"_

"She can't be angry with him for getting detention," Lily protested. "He didn't choose the day."

"I say he skips and just goes to Quidditch practice," Sirius suggested. "It's way more fun anyway."

"And productive," James added, mimicking Remus.

"What if he spends his time in detention doing his homework," Remus asked.

"Like I said, Quidditch is more productive."

"_There," said Umbridge sweetly, "we're getting better at controlling our temper already, aren't we?"_

"That woman irritates me," James said coolly.

"_Now, you are going to be doing some lines for me, Mr. Potter."_

"The punishment is writing?" Sirius asked in horror. "Couldn't she have chosen something more … humane?"

"_You haven't given me any ink," he said._

"_Oh, you won't need ink," said Professor Umbridge with the merest suggestion of a laugh in her voice._

"That doesn't make any sense," Remus commented.

"Why not?" Sirius replied.

"Why wouldn't he need ink to write his lines?"

"Does one usually use ink when writing? I'm new to this," Sirius answered seriously. Remus simply glared in response.

_He let out a gasp of pain._

"I don't like the sound of this already," Lily interrupted.

_At the same time, the words had appeared on the back of Harry's right hand, cut into the skin as though traced there by a scalpel –_

"How dare she?" James roared.

"That's got to be illegal!" Sirius added.

"Fascinating magic," Remus muttered.

"What was that, Moony?" James asked.

"Hm? Oh, I said horrifying magic."

"That's what I thought."

_Harry looked around at Umbidge. She was watching him, her wide, toadlike mouth stretched in a smile._

"Oh that conniving woman," Lily groaned. "I'd like to have five minutes in a room alone with her… Don't look at me that way, James."

"Yes, ma'am."

_He looked back at the parchment, placed the quill upon it once more, wrote _I must not tell lies_, and felt the searing pain on the back of his hand for a second time._

Everybody looked at Lily, expecting an outburst. She merely narrowed her eyes and motioned for James to keep reading.

_The skin on the back of Harry's hand became irritated more quickly now; red and inflamed, Harry thought it unlikely to keep healing as effectively for long._

"He's got to tell Dumbledore before this woman permanently scars his hand," Remus announced.

"Maybe he can't stop her," James said. "She does work for the Ministry after all. Couldn't she just go over his head?"

"Not with something illegal like this."

_He let no moan of pain escape him, however, and from the moment of entering the room to the moment of his dismissal, again past midnight, he said nothing but "Good evening" and "Good night."_

"Brave child," Lily commented. "Hang in there. It'll be over soon."

"I don't know how he can stand it without complaint," James said. "I surely couldn't have."

"Oh, we know, James," Remus answered. "You can't stand anything without complaint."

"I take offense to that."

"See what I mean?"

_Harry's third detention passed in the same way as the previous two, except that after two hours the words "_I must not tell lies_" did not fade from the back of Harry's hand._

"If that woman leaves scars on my child," Lily threatened, "then I'll leave scars on her."

"Calm down, Lily."

"That woman's a – a – a … I can't think of the word, but she's certainly one."

"_I – I thought I'd try out for Gryffindor Keeper now I've got a decent broom. There. Go on. Laugh."_

"Why would he laugh?" James asked. "That's wonderful news."

"Maybe because he should be focusing on his mountain of homework instead of picking up new hobbies," Remus suggested.

"Did … you … say … HOBBIES?!"

"Er – I can't recall."

"_I've been trying to bewitch Quaffles to fly at me."_

"I'm more impressed that he can bewitch Quaffles than that he's been playing Quidditch," Sirius admired.

"Surprisingly, I agree with you for once," Remus said.

"I'm still winning, though."

_So he told Ron the truth about the hours he had been spending in Umbridge's office._

"_The old hag!"_

"That's the word I've been looking for. Hag," Lily commented, nodding to herself. "Perfect description."

_He was not going to Dumbledore for help when Dumbledore had not spoken to him once since last June._

"Well that's no reason to keep suffering through this torture, Harry," Remus advised.

"If Dumbledore doesn't want to help him," Sirius countered. "Then why bother him?"

_And then, as she took hold of him to examine the words now cut into his skin, pain seared, not across the back of his hand, but across the scar on his forehead._

"What does that mean," Lily asked worriedly.

"I don't know, but I don't like the sound of it," James answered.

"Maybe she's Voldemort," Sirius suggested.

"Padfoot, that makes less sense than your normal ideas."

"So?"

"I like it."

"_Harry, I did it, I'm in, I'm Keeper!"_

"Brilliant!" James cheered.

"Wonderful news!" Sirius exclaimed.

"He's going to fail his classes," Remus murmured.

"_Didn't Dumbledore say it had to do with what You-Know-Who was feeling at the time? I mean, maybe this hasn't got anything to do with Umbridge at all."_

"I guess that could explain it," Remus remarked.

"A little too easy of an explanation don't you think?" Sirius said, acting like an investigator.

"Not really, no."

"_I think I'll write and tell Sirius about it, see what he thinks – "_

"That's a good boy," Sirius stated. "Tell those of us that can help you. Not people like Moony."

"And how could you help while running from the Ministry?"

"In ways you could never imagine."

_And he traipsed off to the boys' stairs, leaving her looking slightly disappointed behind him._

"Well she didn't actually think he'd want to make hats with her, did she?" Sirius asked.

"Apparently she did. But either way, that's the end of the chapter. Anyone else want to read?"

"I will."

"Can you even read, Padfoot?"

"I'll learn as I go along. Chapter Fourteen, _Percy and Padfoot_… Sounds good already."


End file.
